


I hate the fact that i can't hate you

by maxxiecen



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Cheating, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-10-28 12:03:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10830891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxxiecen/pseuds/maxxiecen
Summary: This shit that i call my fic takes place after the Robert-Rebecca happy incident---and then we get a time jump-- boom!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello random reader,Enjoy... or not!

_Our home…_ Aaron thought and let a little melancholic, ironic smile slip. He could taste, feel the irony of the term in his guts. _In our fucking home…_ thought again. He knew this will happen sooner or later. It was a matter of time… love is a mug’s game. Love can change they say… He always knew that this was a sick fairytale for needy, desperate, romantic souls that can’t handle reality. Reality is cruel. Manipulative. Calculating. Reality doesn’t wait for you to catch up. Just like Robert. But Robert was Aaron’s reality.

Aaron’s sentence was Robert’s way out of all this boring, domestic, suffocating, commitment… It had to be.

Aaron looks at the mirror of their bathroom. His reflection tired, messy, full of emotions that he had no control over. He hated that. He hates the effect Robert always had on him. Mouth is the only part of the body capable of lying. But the body itself cant. He clutches the cold surface of the sink, trying to dig his fingers in there until they bleed. His head dropped. He shuts his eyes trying to shut the world out- the truth that he had to face coming out of that bathroom. He didn’t wanna know. He couldn’t stand the thought. Why Robert had to prove him right with the worst possible way? Because with Robert you never know. You can never be sure. That’s the charm of it. A sweet hell.

He was in prison. Humiliated, abused, suffocating in the small, gloomy cells… isolated from the outside world, thinking of Robert. His salvation. Fucking irony innit?

Back in prison…. he could smell his scent. He could feel Robert’s eyes running through his body even if he wasn’t there. He could close his eyes and feel his hands tracing his scars. Knowing that now it makes him sick. He was right. The world outside do move on. But Robert was his world. It wouldn’t suppose to happen this way. Robert supposed to wait, right? Because people say love can change. Love can wait. For love we fight and struggle. It’s what they did from the moment they met each other. All this fighting over control, denying, hurting even abusing but always they came back to each other somehow not saying a word. Robert would push him against a wall and start kissing him so hard, consuming him and Aaron always gave in… in the end.

We fight for love, we wait for love. Guess not Robert. Robert is not pathetic and weak. Because when you fall in love like Aaron did, you turn into one vulnerable person beyond recognition. Robert gave up the first chance he got, because he knows it doesn’t worth it. But Aaron asked him, told him to run a mile, didn’t he? He told him that maybe they weren’t meant to work, he warned him that he does not worth the hassle. Why it took him so long to realize that? Robert was always smart and ruthless. He wasn’t an idiot for not walking away when he asked him. He was playing smart. He was waiting for the right moment and then he followed his advice. But the coward doesn’t have the balls to admit it. He was always a coward. He was always willing to hurt rather than get hurt.

 _You fucker… you promised, remember? You will wait for me to come back. You wanted messed up with me forever. Wanted…_ he thought again. Past present. The key. Maybe “forever” in Robert’s little twisted world was a meaningless word. “Forever” until you stop being use to me. I “love you. Only you” until you mean nothing to me because someone better came along. Rebecca. Maybe she was his ticket to the rich, adventurous, carefree, amoral life. The one that he always wanted but tried to convince himself that he loves Aaron—-put a label on your feelings, search in google what it takes to love what love means, pin point the playbook and give your best performance. That’s enough, he is enought Robert screamed at Aaron everytime his facade was on the verge of collupsing. Bullshit, he wanted to scream. Love is enough for many people out there but for people like Robert it is not and never will be. Robert is a player. He succeed every level, he reaches the difficult ones around the end and when the challenge ceases to be a challenge he picks another game to entertain himself. Yeah, he misses the old game, he spend money, time, energy… but still he doesn’t blink an eye droping it and choosing another.

Crissie was right. He is incapable of loving someone. He doesn’t know how. These different worlds that once brought them together, created this messy bond, full of lust, hidden feelings that neither wanted to admit… these worlds broke them, eventually.

An image appeared in his brain. Don’t… Aaron plead himself. His brain didn’t obey. The image starts moving. It is dark. He spread her legs and start kissing her body. His hands all over her. Messy, clumsy. She moans, screams Robert’s name. Wanting more as he thrusting inside her.

“No. Please, don’t” Aaron whispered to himself. He couldn’t face it. He was in the bathroom , scared like a little boy that reality is too much for him. Robert made him be like this. Why he had to fall in love with him like that? Why is it so difficult to control himself around him? He wants to break the shit out of this fancy bathroom that Robert decorated. But Robert was out there, he could sense his presence, hear his breath. So familiar. He was in “their” bedroom, waiting for Aaron to come out and… “Fuck. I can’t” he muttered with shaky voice.

‘‘Playing hard to get, Dingle?’’ Robert’s voice came from the bed. ‘‘You want me to come in there… and take care of you?’’ he carried on wearing his low, seductive voice. ‘‘Because I will.’’

Aaron didn’t answer. He swallowed hard and make his way to the door.

Robert was sitting in bed with his hands spread across the big pillows, his head leaning against the wall. His chest bare, palpitating up and down by his heavy breathing. His half-smile was naughty, provoking, promising a long intense sweaty night. Robert had no idea though that Aaron knows. Aaron found out when they came back to Emmerdale two days ago. Robert’s performance was on point. Aaron’s too, until now.

‘‘Don’t be greedy.’’ Aaron said. ‘’You are not in charge. You don’t get to demand.’’ He approaches the bed not breaking eye contact with Robert. ‘‘I can walk away. I can leave you like this… What do you think?’’

‘‘Don’t you dare, you bastard! I will-‘’

‘‘You will do shit.’’ Aaron cut him with his fiery, sassy tone.

‘‘Bossy. I like it.’’

‘‘I know you do.’’ He whispered.

The space became shorter between them. Still looking into each other eyes. Still not knowing his next move, Aaron places himself reluctantly between Robert’s legs.

He wants to pin him against the wall, beat him up, then clean his wounds… and then fuck him hard and mercyless and he will enjoy every minute of it. When he is done with him he will beat the shit out of him again. He wants him to look at him in the eyes while beating him. He wants him to feel everything, every fiber of his body submissive and tuned. And then he will spread his legs and fuck him dry, right there because he deserves this for hurting him like this.

Robert took Aaron’s face in his hands without warning, bringing him back in reality. Not wasting any time, he opened his mouth ready to attack his prey. Aaron fought the first kiss. It felt like their first one. The day that Robert ambushed him, claimed him and soon after left scared of the way Aaron made him feel. That kiss was the beginning. This kiss might be the end, Aaron thought.

‘‘I’m… tired.’’ Aaron said, backing off.

Robert tried to stop kissing him. It took him a few seconds. ‘‘You don’t have to do anything. You can lie down right here… I will be on top… making love to you.’’ Robert said with his soft, calm voice that uses only to Aaron. Aaron hates that sometimes. He makes him feel fragile.

‘‘Is that so?’’ Aaron’s voice sound cold.

‘‘Remember… in the beginning? It was cold outside. You were in the barn. I hadn’t seen you in days. It felt like I was missing something but I didn’t want to find out what it was… because deep down I knew. I hated that I missed you, you know? I wasn’t used to be dependent…’’ Robert took a deep breath and searched in Aaron’s eyes hints to see if he remembers.

Of course he does. Aaron sat in silence ready to see Robert unfold his point of view. It was always intriguing, amusing ,hearing him say things that then Aaron couldn’t figure out… why Robert wants to walk down the memory lane?

‘‘You tried to strip me… I started kissing you aggressively. That was our thing. And then I stopped. I looked at you and then it happened without my consent… I made love to you that day.’’ He stopped, closed his eyes and an innocent, pure smile appeared in his face. ‘‘It scared me so bad… that the next day I treated you like a fucktoy… like the ‘‘meaningless sex’’ you were supposed to be. I tried to convince myself that you were nothing more, I even told that aloud once. I can’t fall in love with you. Robert Sugden doesn’t do feelings. But it was already too late ,wasn’t it? I hated you for that. Not caring was always easier…. And suddenly you came in and you change that.”

Robert’s hands was still in Aaron’s neck, face… trying desperately to make him feel all the emotions that Robert feels… felt back then. All the conflict, the game playing. How he failed.

‘‘Thank God then…’’ Aaron starts saying, having no idea where this is leading. ‘‘Thank God you are not in love anymore, right? You can be free now.’’

Robert’s eyes locked in Aaron’s empty gaze. He froze. His brain connected the dots –Aaron knows- but he still hasn’t. He chooses not to. ‘‘Aaron…’’ he whispers eventually.

‘‘If you wanted to be with her… why waiting so long, hah? Why don’t you-‘’

Robert presses his hand in Aaron’s face and bring himself closer like an impulse, to feel his breath. ‘‘Don’t… I-‘’

“I wanna know one thing and I will walk away… don’t you worry’’ Aaron cut him.

Robert was shocked. He wanted to laugh in the idea of being in love with somebody else. He fell hard the moment he met Aaron and that’s it.

‘‘Are you in love with her?’’

‘‘You seriously asking me that?’’ Robert trying to shake off the shock and fear in his voice.

‘‘That’s not an answer.’’

Robert starts kissing him without a warning… and then stops and look in his blue, pure, once defiant eyes. Now they are void.

‘‘What do you think?’’ Robert asks. And then drag him closer and kiss him harder. ‘‘Am i?’’ Robert kisses him again.

Aaron doesn’t react. He doesn’t fight back but he doesn’t give in either.

‘‘Kiss me back’’ Robert demands with raspy, desperate voice. Aaron’s expression was unreadable. ‘‘Please…’’ Robert pled. ‘‘Kiss me back.’’

Robert can suddenly feel a small metallic thing in his hand. He looks down and see Aaron’s wedding ring in his fist. He raises his eyes meetings Aarons and he can’t bare what he sees. This look in Aaron’s eyes that hurts like hell… He is disappointed. He wasted all this time struggling to believe that Robert can change. That despite the history, their record, despite the odds and what everybody said they could make it work.

Robert always knew that this day will come… the day that Aaron will look at him again and feel disgusted like he did back then. And then he will walk away like he always does and never come back this time. Robert knew that he can’t help himself. He can’t stop hurting, using people. Most of the time he takes pleasure from it. Being in control. The one that can hurt, manipulate and affect people’s emotions. It’s a gift. It’s like money. It can open you doors, give you access, give you power or the illusion of it at least. But hurting Aaron was like hurting himself. He thought that he wouldn’t hurt him again. Not Aaron from all people. He is lost without him. The stupid son of a bitch, with his rough voice, his dirty overalls, his difficulty of articulating his feelings and let people in… the stupid son of a bitch that was smart enough to play the game of fire with Robert Sugden and win, that son of a bitch who make him an addict, dependent… Fuck you, Aaron!

They are standing still in the semidark cold room, holding into each other not wanting to let go, not knowing what to do or say. Aaron tries to find the courage to walk away. To run in the streets, get away from all the emotions that suffocate him. He feels the heat running through his body. A mix of anger, lust, fear. Most of the time he doesn’t know what to do with them.

He pushes Robert away. ‘‘Come on…’’ he almost screams. ‘‘What the fuck are you waiting for? GO!’’

Robert can feel his heart ready to explode. What happened to him? He always has something to say to fix the problem. Or to cover them to be more accurate. Problems are like math. You use the right equation and you are done. He opens his mouth to say something but words are failing him yet again…

‘‘Call her. Ask her to come here and take it from where you left it.’’ Aaron couldn’t stop the words coming out his mouth. ‘‘Have a nice life, Robert. I hope you find what you are looking for.’’

‘‘Don’t’’ Robert said. ‘’I will go, ok? It was nice meeting you, you know?’’ he says and smiles. He didn’t know until now that smiling can be so fucking sad. ‘‘I’m so sorry, Aaron. I’m so sorry for proving you right.’’

He puts his cloths on and tries to act confident and brave walking away. He is hoping that Aaron will stop him, will say something. He waits… the minutes pass and Aaron doesn’t say a word. This is worse. He would prefer to take the beating, for Aaron to get angry, to scream and destroy the place like the fiery bloke he is. But he can’t handle this. His stoic, silent, calm face looking at him ,waiting for him to go.

He is ready to walk down the stairs but stops. He doesn’t turn his head to look at Aaron. It’s easier looking at the darkness coming from downstairs. ‘‘I know that it probably means nothing to you now but…. I am in love with you, you idiot. I wish I wasn’t. It would be easier.’’

He is standing now in front of the exit door. He can’t bring himself to open it knowing that this is probably the last time… It can’t be. No, not like this. He threw away the best thing that happened to him for nothing. He hurt the only person he promised he never will. What person does that make him? Why it had to hurt like a bitch loving someone that much?

………………

Robert opens the door but the pressure of Aaron’s hand stop it. His heart was beating like crazy that he didn’t even hear Aaron coming down the stairs.

Now he feels his hot breath behind him. He feels Aarons hands in his body, pressing him close. ‘‘Aaron.’’ He whispers like a lost broken boy.

‘‘I was messing with you before.’’ Aaron whispers in his ear. Robert narrowed his eyes confused. ‘‘I know you are in love with me. I can see it in your eyes when you are making love to me. I can feel it in your body.’’ Aaron’s hand is now between Robert’s legs, dare him, make him slave of his own body.

‘‘Fuck.’’ Robert moans. What is he playing at? He tries to figure out but don’t really care. He is right there ,so close, so…

‘‘What happened to the arrogant, manipulator? You used to be the con man, always ready and confident to play your games and win… Falling in love doesn’t suit you innit?’’ Aaron whispers, lustful, dismissive…. disturbing Robert’s thoughts. “Shame, you know…’’

Robert doesn’t know, though. He usually does, but now he has no fucking clue.

‘‘Shame there is no cure for calculating sociopaths like you.’’

That’s it. Robert’s jaw falls in shock. His eyes widen. Aaron once called Robert a psychopath, that he don’t do shame, guilt… He said that he hated himself for loving him. Maybe it was true, still is… He wants to punch him, to make him see how much he means to him, how much he had changed him but there is no point obviously.

‘‘But I can’t let you go, Robert.’’ Aaron continues. His voice low and needy. ‘‘I wish I could hate you but I can’t. I tried it before but it didn’t work.’’ He bites softly Robert’s neck, ear… his hand tracing his chest, stomach… ‘‘I want to fuck you…. Right here. Then I will leave. But I will come back tomorrow and fuck you again.’’

Shiver ran through Robert’s body.


	2. Hate against love

Aaron was still behind him. Pressing his whole body over his, standing in front of the door, breathing heavy over his shoulder. There was dead silence in the empty big house, only their breaths swarm about, the echo of their bodies standing there through the night, not moving for minutes- that felt like hours.

‘‘Make a move.’’ Aaron dares him. “Come on…’’ he added lowering his voice, the conniving bastard. Robert’s brain doesn’t seem to process any information now. He feels paralyzed by the lack of any sign of rational thoughts in his brain. He tries to move not knowing where or why.

Aaron takes his hands, pins them to the glass above Robert’s head, holding them tight and immobilizing him. Robert inhales ,clutches his teeth in order to control his body but his body betrays him. His jaws shaking… Aaron can feel that ,can sense robert’s body reaction even if he cant see his face. Robert now can feel the smirk in Aaron’s face, the little triumph.

“If I didn’t know better I would bet, that was you, losing control, Robert.’’ He whispers. “What’s going on? You seem quiet….“ he exhales in Robert’s ear. "That’s not like you. I’m waiting for your well-thought cocky comeback… give it to me!’’

Robert tries to relax his shoulders. Aaron’s unpredictability was always part of the thrill but now it feels scary. He reminds himself that at the end of the day he is Robert fucking Sugden, an arrogant, charming, user always witty and prepared to be challenged. He wears the smirk that he only knows how and turns his head over a bit just a little to approach Aaron’s mouth in his ear. “I’m getting mixed signals, here. When you decide what you want to do with me… well… let me know…’’ he said finally. “I will be right here.’’ He continues pointing out the irony.

Aaron could feel the anger taking over his body. “Welcome back, Robert. I missed you.”

Robert sighed. “I bet you did.”

“Betting was never your strong point.”

“You reckon? Tell me then… what was it?”

Aaron closed his eyes, moaning dramatically trying to think of something worth mentioning. “I haven’t figure that out yet”

“I can help you with that part cause you know…thinking was never your strong point!” he pauses for a few seconds to appreciate his snarky comeback. “I was always good at making you-“

“Shut up” Aaron cut him surly.

“Make me.” He answered back on impulse.

Aaron’s eyes soften. He loosed his grip, giving Robert air. “You are free to go.” He said. His voice was now soft, broken. Like he was giving up on whatever was going on.

“Make me stay.” Robert said. “Please.” He turned around to face Aaron.

Aaron stepped back. “Don’t… Just…”

“Say it!” Robert dares him. “Say it and I will.”

Aaron was struggling to hold it together.

“Tell me to leave and never come back.”

“I thought you didn’t like orders.” Aaron said, trying to distract himself of all these annoying feelings killing his stomach a little bit inside every second that he was standing in front of Robert… making it harder to breath.

Robert laughed at that. He always admired Aaron’s sass.

“It never stopped you though, did it?” he said, reminiscing all these stupid fights over stupid things that ended with them laughing or fucking or both. He smiles, unconsciously.

“Why you have to be an idiot?” Aaron asked aloud by mistake, watching Robert’s little smile.

“I asked myself this question so many fucking times… thing is, I’m your idiot” He moves slowly, like a lion carefully planning its attack not to scare its prey.

“Don’t” Aaron warned him. He wasn’t warning Robert though, he was warning himself because he knows damn well that he won’t be able to stop himself.

“Say it then.”

Aaron shallows hard and clears his throat to sound firm and cold. “Leave and never come back.”

This is it. Robert can feel the pain psychically. It’s not a metaphor and it’s intimidating. He said it, he realized in horror. He fucking said it.

He folds his fingers into a fist to pull himself together and turns around. He can’t stay anymore it hurts. He will be alone soon, down an alley and he will abuse alcohol and then he will… he feels it coming… the breakdown that was trying so hard to prevent.

He opens the door. The cool breeze hitting his face— he can breathe now.

————–

He thinks he just imagined it. The warm pressure in his arms, turning him over and pinning him against the rough wall of the Mill.

He sees Aaron’s eyes so close, so intense but so unreadable. Is that desire? Is that hatred? Is that disgust? Is that anger? He doesn’t really care tough. Doesn’t matter.

Aaron’s hands keeping him still, pressing raw, aggressive Robert’s flesh.

“Leave and never come back.” Aaron says looking at his lips.

Before Robert gets the chance to react or think, Aaron’s mouth is pressing his, dare him to open up for more. He can’t think, fuck logic, fuck… He let Aaron in. He feels Aaron fucking his mouth with his tongue, hungry, desperate, violent. It’s consuming. He thinks that he can’t kiss him deeper but Aaron proves him wrong.

Aaron runs his hand behind Robert’s skull, griping his hair while kissing him harder and harder. He suddenly stops and looks at Robert’s eyes, defeated and pure. “Leave and never come back.” Aaron repeats and kisses him even harder.

Robert grabs his face, rubbing his finger through his cheek and pulls him back in order to meet his eyes. “I will.” He answers and kisses him again.

They kiss so fucking hard, messy, clumsy… their jaws starts to ach but they don’t stop. They breathes into each other mouth while their hands running all over their bodies… hair, back, chest. It doesn’t seem to stop. It’s out of control now.

“Leave and never come back.” Aaron commands one more time pulling himself away from the madness for some seconds.

————————————————–

Robert stops. He is out of breath. He feels numb. “Ok” he whispers.

Then Aaron’s right hand drops…. “Fuck” Robert managed to say. Aaron is pressing Robert’s cock inside his boxers… in a matter of minutes he starts to move it up and down. Again and again and again, painfully slow. He looks at him and with his left hand squeezes Robert’s neck.

Robert’s head falls back to the bricks, his eyes eerie under the moonlight looking the sky. He feels high. He opens his mouth a little trying to breathe and moans. He has given up.

Aaron is working him harder now. He keeps his eyes open, looking at Robert’s open mouth moaning louder and louder. “That’s it… let it all out.”

Robert feels his legs failing him. They spread and start shaking. “Aaron… fuck!”

“Leave and never come back.” Aaron’s voice and breath in his mouth.

He lowers his head, grabs Aaron’s face and starts kissing him again. But he can’t. Aaron is fastening the pace, it’s a fucking torture. He can’t stop moaning.

“Shut up and kiss me.” Aaron said jacking him off even harder.

 

\---------------------------------

 

**Midnight;**

Robert is gone; Aaron stands alone facing the hazy, dim, faded moonlight; Blood dripping from his hands; The breeze surrounded him.

….Everybody has these possessive, consuming, corrupting, wicked demons inside. Sleeping, whispering, scratching at the back of their skulls… lurking, screaming, always ready to take hold, escape and take over. Robert is my demon. Was….

Reality is a boring, unfair, ominous prison. Reality is a merciless bitch. Humans are the puppets. Doomed to misery, death, heartbreak. Cursed with all these untamed emotions. Prisoners of their own bodies, of their own imagination, slaves of their fucking karma.

“I wish I could just forget you.”

People say that hate is the strongest emotion. Stronger than love.

I hated him once. I fucking did. Every cell of my marked body hated him… I think. I was never sure. Most of the time I felt high.

From the moment I met him I was living in a haze, in this chaos inside my head, a constant battle between emotions and logic, between morality and desire. As I said, emotions are not easy to tame… and I’m not easy to love. The proof was always right there in front of me. I choose to ignore it every single time. I knew that me and Robert was a fairytale. The dark kind, where in the end the protagonist dies.

Love is not pure.

Desire is not safe.

None of these ever were. This was always a risk… that i took. And I failed.

_“It is all in your head. I love you, just you, only you. You are enough. I chose you.”_

He chose me… like I was a fucking toy from his collection in his detached room.

He started playing with me. I was complicated at first. He couldn’t figure out my rules. I was a challenge. I was the new game in his collection full of targets where every single one of them had something different to offer.

But I was a different kind of game. A puzzle, a thrill… and I was never easy. So every time he couldn’t decode me, he was slamming me against the wall, crashing me with his expensive shoes, devaluating me to make me cooperate, to play smoothly by his rules; in his field.

The chameleon hiding behind different facades fabricated for different environments which require different treatment. He was always prepared having all these words in the back of his mouth ready to spill them like a poem for a great performance. A con artist…

I was always struggling inside, trapped under a pile of thoughts, words, feelings… most of the time this battle was too much to handle. A jungle in my head. So loud, so toxic… my own parasites.

I can still feel the fear, smell the sweat when I told him that first painful “I love you”. I wasn’t telling him… I was telling myself what I was scared to hear. I knew I shouldn’t feel this way. It was supposed to be easy falling in love… but I was ashamed. Scared of this unprecedented ride. It could be fatal. Fucking irony.

I surrendered; he won.

_“This isn’t a love story”_

_“First time you took your top off I should’ve run a mile…_

_…You know, I wish I’d dropped in there. Prison would be perfect for you. Gay, self harming, emotional stunted… You would probably end up topping yourself. Oh no wait, I forgot; you can’t even do that right either.”_

_“Nobody cares. It’s boring. You’re boring.”_

_“Tantrum child… jealous queen…_

_….Aaron is weak. Always has been.”_ She told me. SHE.

I’m not strong like them. I am not good at playing with people’s feelings. I’m tapped. Honest. Whatever I feel is always there, written in my face, taking over my body. The truth was always my curse, ripping off my chest like a hungry monster in my guts.

_“Literally a failure at everything.”_

Maybe they are right… my mum, Gordon, Robert, Jason…. I am a failure. Covered in ugly shameful scars. Not easy to love. Pushing people away, making them miserable like me. Taking the blame like the martyr, like I have nothing to lose. Most of the time I’m praying for this internal torture to stop. I begged Robert to pull the trigger and end me. That was what he wanted deep down, I was just trying to make it easier for him. I begged Robert to leave me in that car. I even begged my father to love me.

_Pathetic. Weak. Desperate. Defeated little Aaron. Always losing._

My mum left me because she couldn’t handle me. My dad hated me and raped me because he couldn’t love me. Jackson loved me and lost everything because of it. He was so young, so good, willing to guide me like I was some lost kid needing a handler. His only sin was choosing to love me.

I was always a burden that somebody had to carry. And they always ended up hating me for being like this. A messy, destructive, needy…. thug.

_Robert…._

I was Robert’s biggest mistake. He hated me for that. For destroying his perfect little world that I was never a part of.

Aaron inhaled, exhaled… Air was never enough to calm him down.

 

**…..A couple of hours earlier….**

Robert was so damn close to the breaking point. It felt that one wrong move, one wrong word… it felt that as this ride approached the finish line at the end of the road.

“Just tell me you don’t hate me!’’ His eyes pleading Aaron for mercy. “Lie if you have to.”

Aaron remained silent.

Robert could feel his heart attacking his chest madly, “We both know this isn’t over. It can’t be…. After everything.’’

Aaron laughed. Not sure it was mocking, agreement or a coping mechanism to prevent his emotions from taking over.

“Whatever this is… it isn’t going away, you told me once remember?’’ Robert caught Aaron’s eyes trying to remind him their story… like he had to… Aaron was there, hurting in every turn of the road not knowing the destination. “And it didn’t. It didn’t” he shouted now.

Aaron was breathing hard. Clutching his fists, swallowing his urge to say something that he would probably regret.

“I couldn’t quit you, could I?” Robert was now feeling his own eyes betraying him. Tears were never his thing. But they were lurking inside his eyes ready to explode. “I wish I knew how… you fucking idiot!”

Aaron laughed at his choice of word. “Idiot? Says the guy that baled the first chance he got.”

Robert opened his mouth to say something but his brain didn’t cooperate. He pressed his lips together…

Aaron saw Robert struggling to find words, a way out—- he wanted to end this, make it easier for him one more time. “Give it some time Rob. A month. Maybe two… and I will be just Aaron; another name on your list.”

Robert could feel Aaron’s words like a punch in his guts. He could take Aaron’s violence any time over this.

He is joking… he can’t mean what he is saying. He saw him falling in love for the first time, trying to change for the better—- How can he possibly think that it would be that easy to forget him?

If only he could just forget him.

“You don’t mean that.” Robert said, maybe his thoughts were too loud to stay inside his head. “After everything… you don’t mean that.”

“Come on, Robert. Commitment was never your style. Falling in love?” He laughed like he was just remembered a joke. “You were never good at it. But don’t you worry— it was just a game. You lost.” He pauses to take a breath. “Pick another one.”

Robert exhales trying his best to cast his anger away, “Who are you kidding ,Aaron? Who are we kidding? You can pretend that you don’t care, that this is over… but you know it isn’t.”

Aaron laughed in dismiss.

“Laugh. If it makes it easier. But we both know-“

“I don’t. Not anymore. I was a fool for thinking that I knew.” He laughs again.

Robert steps closer. “I love you.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Aaron said dryly. “Words in your mouth are a joke.”

Robert bites the inside of his cheek, “I won’t tell you what you wanna hear.”

“And what’s that, you mastermind?”

“That I don’t love you. That I never did. That this… us, means nothing.”

“It’s not a fucking negotiation.” Aaron almost butted in.

“Maybe it should be.” Robert answered not knowing if he makes any sense, but to be honest things stopped making sense a while now.

“Well…. I don’t negotiate with idiots!” Aaron said and caught him off guard.

The words danced for some seconds in Robert’s head like an old song that the lyrics are familiar somehow.

And he remembered. The day he met him.

He dropped his head with a smile. “It’s alright then; negotiate with me.” Robert says back, eventually.

Aaron doesn’t want to smile but he can’t help it.

That was the beginning. Their beginning.

But he has to walk away now. It’s time.

He hears Robert’s voice behind his back and stops. It hurts.

“I wish I had pulled that trigger.” Robert hissed. “If Paddy hadn’t interrupted us I would have end you, you know? Like you were nothing. I would have done you a favor.” Robert hates himself for saying it but he has to. He has to hurt him one last time.

He shallows hard, preparing himself for Aaron’s move but not expecting this, his mouth drops. It feels like Aaron took some words, skinned him alive and shoved them inside his chest.

Aaron turns around, looks right in Robert’s eyes, “I wish you had, too.” He said. “Shame Paddy fucked your plan up.”

Robert wants to speak but how… there is no point if Aaron all this time thought that he is alive because Paddy showed up.

He wants to scream. To hug him, trap him inside his arms and never let him go. To engrave the L word on his thick skull because words can’t describe how intense, irrational sometimes are his feelings for him.

——————– They don’t know how it started but logic once again left the building and their bodies took over.

Aaron clutched his fists in the damp surface of the bars outside the Mill.

Robert covered Aaron’s body with his own, dug his fingers inside Aaron’s hands, pulling him closer, warmer… He wrapped his long arms around Aaron’s shoulders from behind, surrounding his neck, throat. Daring him to surrender. His fingers around Aaron’s neck as they dug into his skin, consuming him.

Robert lets his mouth travel in Aaron’s body, exploring, tasting his flesh one last time.

In a matter of minutes, he is inside him.

He can’t hold it anymore. His desire, anger, pain take over and he starts thrusting inside him, shoving his cock deeper and deeper with every thrust.

Aaron raises his head to the sky, his mouth open grasping, begging for air.

Robert pulls out. And without a warning shoves it back in. Slow- hard- like a torture.

He tighten his grip around Aaron as he pounds his body, balls buried deep inside him, thrusting inside deeper every time, faster and harder… again and again and again. Tearing him apart.

Aaron can feel his legs spreading, shaking, failing him in every possible way. But his mouth is under control. He keeps biting his lip harder not allowing himself to scream, to show him how much he wants this despite everything. How needy he is.

So Robert keeps pushing, shoving, thrusting inside that tight messy hole. “I want to fuck you every day… like this.” He says moaning not able to stop pounding Aaron. “Here… for everyone to hear you scream. Inside our house. In the pub. In the streets.”

He bites the soft flesh of Aaron’s earlobe. Now his salty, full of veins neck. Now his raw jaw.

He digs his teeth inside his hot flesh, devouring him, hurting him…

But Aaron doesn’t scream, doesn’t moan.

“You are mine.” Robert whispers, pulling out. “Always have been.” He shoves his cock back in. “Always will be.”

Aaron bites the wet flesh inside his mouth harder.

“I can’t… I won’t allow anybody to make you lau…gh— fuck! To flirt with you. To tou…ch you. To see what I see…. Fuck!” He lets out a moan. “To feel what I feel.”

Aaron groans like a desperate dog who wants to escape and tear you apart. And then laughs, “That’s a bit rich coming from y…ou. Don’t you think?”

Robert doesn’t answer. He knows he doesn’t have the ground to. All he can do is burring himself deeper inside him in every thrust. Again and again and again not able to stop himself.

Robert grasping into Aaron’s ear, “How does it feel?”

Aaron groans.

“How do I feel inside you?”

Aaron still doesn’t answer, he just holds tighter the cold metallic bars.

“How-“

“I feel… nothing.” Aaron cut him. “I feel shit!”

Robert can feel the heat running through his body, burning him. “Is that so?” he asks full of anger with raspy, low voice like a devil in his shoulder.

He wraps his arms around Aaron tighter, trapping him inside his stranglehold. And he starts thrusting inside him merciless, fast, not stopping, not giving him time to breath. “Still nothing?”

“That’s right.” Aaron provokes.

Robert gasps and groans into his ear, close Aaron’s mouth, “Liar”

“Ironic. I would say the same thing about you.” Aaron managed to say.

“How does it feel?” Robert asks again. “Being inside you. Tearing you apart. You would feel me for days. Your empty hole… fuck…. Is always hungry, desperate for my cock.” He took Aaron’s throbbing cock in his hands and stroked it slow- fast- slow like a mockery.

Aaron starts groaning desperate, angry, defeated, “Fuck you!” almost screams.

Robert smirks. “What was that?”

“Fuc…k you!”

“Come again!” Robert dares increasing the pace.

In the dead of the night they lose control. They stopped caring about the world around them. Their primal instincts enslave them. Only their bodies slamming brutally, their moans, their animalistic roars, their raspy shaky voices are alive.

“I will go to France.” Aaron says suddenly. “I will find Ed. I will flirt with him. And then… in the night at a crappy hotel… I will spread his legs and I will fuck him.”

Robert wants to punch the fuck out of him, the son of bitch. “Shut up.” He demands fucking him harder.

“Then…” Aaron continues. “Then I will spread mine and let him fuck me.”

“Shut the fuck up” Robert warns him, pounding him like a wild animal.

“I will let him-“

Robert shoves his fingers down Aaron’s mouth, reaching his throat forcing him to shut up. “I said….” He pulls out.

“Shut-“ shoves back in.

“The-“ pulls out.

“Fuck-“ pushing inside again.

“Up.”

Aaron screams. His body and voice shaking.

Robert groans, fucking him brutal, rough, aggressive. “Scream again… come on!”

Aaron laughs, “Better save my energy. I will probably need it in France.”

Robert pulls out and turns him around slamming them against the brick wall, “Don’t”

Aaron laughs, “Don’t worry, you won’t be there. You won’t know.”

“I said, don’t” Robert’s voice sounded now broken. He pulls Aaron closer to his body, digging his finger in his body and starts kissing him, invading his mouth, asking for more.

Aaron can feel his face wet, tears in his cheeks.

But they aren’t his.

He pulls back, taking Robert’s face into his hands, and then he sees it. His face buried in silent tears. His eyes closed like he is trying to shut down the pain.

Aaron traces the tears in Robert’s face wiped them away with his thumb gently. It’s the first time that he sees Robert like this. So lost, vulnerable, exposed.

“I know it means nothing to you.” Robert whispers not wanting to open his eyes. “But I will say it one last time.” He inhales, “I loved you. I love you. And I always will…. even if you leave and never comeback. I will be here. I will wait… because-“

“I know.” Aaron says. “But-“

“I know.”

 

**…. Now…..**

Aaron can feel a cold shiver through his body. He feels light now, hazy. In peace.

His phone is vibrating…

“Oi” A warm voice came across the line. “I have been calling you for-“

“I know.” Aaron answers dryly.

“Are you alright?”

“Peachy” Aaron hisses.

“Yeah well… your voice thinks otherwise.” The guy scoffs.

Aaron doesn’t answer. He tries to stay awake, squeezing his phone in his fist.

“Well… You are coming, aren’t you?”

Aaron sighs. “Yeah”

“I missed yah then.” The guy says with a little playful laugh.

The phone drops…

A few seconds later Aaron’s body follows.

His body collapses, landing on the ground on his knees like a prayer.

He can see now the blood around him forming a lake. His hands shaking. His ears buzzing.

“It’s over” He whispers, exhausted. “Finally”

They will think it was an accident. Ed will tell them that he was planning to leave the country .That he was waiting for him in France. It was an unfortunate accident. Accidents happen all the time to good people that deserve life like Jackson. But he never deserved life. Life always find a way to suffocate him, but it’s over now, he won’t let her again.

It is better this way. This had to happen years ago in that garage He wasn’t supposed to come alive out of there.

 _Robert…_ he will forget about me eventually. He will feel relieved. Free. And I will become a faded memory in the back of his head.

 _Mum…_ she never trusted me. I always caused her grief. I bet sometimes she is regretting coming back for me.

 _Liv…_ the young, troublemaker. A rebel. She reminds me of the old me. Defensive, always on edge, sassy. She will replace me. The new Aaron Livesy. A better one.

 _Paddy…_ the father that I never had. The guy stupid enough to love me unconditionally and put up with my shit for years.

 _Adam…_ he is stupid as well. I blame him for all of this. If he hadn’t saved me back then, I wouldn’t be here.

_It was nice meeting you…_

_It doesn’t hurt anymore…_

_I’m sorry…_

 

Before he closed his eyes, he heard a loud voice- fading away. A shadow over his body. Maybe it’s a reaper as stories have taught us.

“Aaron!” he screams.

_''Robert"_


	3. New beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... if you read it, you know point out things you like or dislike. A feedback to know about your impressions and improve my writing

After all these years, I was in peace at last....  
Or that's what I thought.

  
I could feel the heat fighting the cold, my muscles tense, my skin itching, my eyes moving… I felt alive.  
Again.  
“No” I try to scream but my voice was weak, hoarse.  
“No, no, no, no” I couldn’t control my disappointment. “For fuck’s sake… come on! Not again”

  
Lights coming my way, too bright, too loud. I couldn’t see. Dazzling.  
And all this noise. God, noises everywhere. Screams, children’s chuckle, breaths, whispers. People. Even in hell, I will have them around me like bugs.  
“Leave me the fuck alone!” I scream covering my ears with my hands. _Fuck, it hurts_ …. _My hands… What the f-_

  
“Good to see you too.” A voice came from somewhere far away like a whisper to bring me back in reality.  
A blur picture of a shadow. Maybe it’s the Devil who came to ask for his dues.

  
“I swear to God, Aaron… I swear the fucking Gods! If you do this to me again… I will kill you myself!” the familiar voice added.  
God? I wanted to laugh but the pain wouldn’t let me. I wanted to move but-

“Hey… hey… Take it easy, tiger! Alright?”  
The voice was soft, gentle, deep. _Maybe it is God._

I just felt a warm touch in my arms. Now I could feel it stroking my cheeks, tracing my scars… gently like I was some kind of porcelain doll.  
It took my hands and close them in a fist.  
“I don’t know anymore.” He… the man said. “I don’t know who the biggest idiot is anymore. Me or you? Like it is a flaming competition!”

 _Robert…._  
I opened my eyes. I could see him clearly now.

Robert fucking Sugden.

My muscles relaxed like a reflex. Seeing him always did something inside me. Soothing or burning me. Never anything in between.  
He is so beautiful. So calm and… broken. The lost boy behind the façade is here once again. His eyes so tired. He looks shittier than me if that even possible.

He raised his eyes when he realized I was there, conscious, breathing. He froze, “You know… I hate loving you sometimes!”

I half-smiled. I think, “Then don’t.”

His face was serious. “Good. Yeah. Ok. Give me a month… or two. Yep, it’s all gone. Like you’ve never existed.”

“See… I told you” I sighed.

He was ready to say something or punching my head or arm or me… but he gave it a second thought seeing me like this so he stayed silent for a few seconds.  
“It’s not a game, Dingle. You selfish, idiotic, self-destructive-“ he paused to take a breath. “idiot, fucking crazy-“

“You make me blush. Stop it.” I butted in, sarcastically putting an end to his erratic monologue.  
“You flaming bastard. Brainless git, yo-“

“Shut the hell up and kiss me.” I cut him off.  
_It felt so long… I want to feel his lips in my mouth. His hands in me. His breath against mine. Fuck, I missed the bastard._  
_Fuck._  
_I hate the bastard._

He came closer and closer tentatively. His hands in my injured arms, then in my face trying to take the pain away.  
I could smell his breath all over my face. He was there, inches between us but he seemed scared to kiss me. He was trying so hard not to. His eyes running my face, his thumps against my skin… He pressed a kiss in my temple. Then in my forehead. Then in my eyes. My lips. The scars in my arms.  
He slipped his hands gently inside my T-shirt, inside my pants; stripping me… and I did nothing to stop him.  
I dropped my head back to the pillows and watched him make me vulnerable again. I surrender.  
Again.  
His hands, his fingers… dug into my skin, brushing my flesh, caressing my wounds. Fuck… now his lips wet, soft, warm… pressing my body. Consuming me.  
He raised his eyes meeting mine. We stayed like this for… I’ve lost count.  
It felt like his face have disappeared in me somewhere, buried in my body.  
I was naked, exposed, lying there in his hands, for him to do whatever he wanted with me. To make love to me right there in the hospital. None of us give a shit about being caught anymore.  
I was alive. Because of him. Because he couldn’t stay away as he was told. The stubborn git came back only to find me half-dead choking in my own blood.

* * *

 

I was so tired, so high by all these pills, I was so… I hate hospitals. So gloomy, but full of lights, so lonely but yet full of people.  
I was awake after a good deep sleep. I needed it. Eternal sleep, I laughed. Sometimes my sense of humor is surprisingly dark. And stupid. And doesn’t make any sense. Just like my life.  
Robert was here, I can still feel his presence, his hands, his body covering mine. Shit! A shiver ran through my spine. _Shit! I need him again. Here. Inside me._

“No, no, no, no” I whispered to myself try to bring some sense to my messed up head. I looked around… the room was empty, silent. I was alone.

Good, my first thought was.  
Where is he? the question followed my initial pleasure.

I hear steps coming closer. Some whispers here and there. And then the door…  
The outside world swarms into the room as the door opens…

“Robert” I whispered.

A doctor came in holding an agenda of some shorts, examining some ugly doodles that they call professional writing. He was hovering around for several minutes, checking the beds, writing, acting all broody, busy and formal.

Then out of nowhere he approached me and took a look at my eyes, papers, hands, heartbeat…

“Well… not that I want to interrupt or anything… but I’m fine.” I said literally just to interrupt his thorough examination of my body.

He gave me a friendly smile, “Don’t take it personally, mate… but you are not exactly a reliable patient.”

“I can be if you want me to.” I answer back with low, raspy voice, almost choking when I realized what I just said.

He swallowed, letting out a shy smile and carried on the whole invasion-my-personal-space thing.

I wanted to punch him. “I’m freaking fantastic. So healthy…” started saying with unnecessary sarcasm, “So happy!” I forced a ridiculous smile.

“Your husband thinks otherwise.” He said.

I took a few moments processing the information. Husband… I have to get rid of him. Both. And take the hell out of here.

“Isn’t that so sweet of him?” I said eventually.

The doctor laughed a little.

“It isn’t a joke, doc. Robert… is…. the-“

“Best husband that somebody could ask for?” Robert butted in as he made his way from the door.

I faked a sarcastic smile, “And a mind reader!”

The man looked at us and smiled, “You guys seem-“

“In love and all that shit?” I cut him.

The doctor half-laughed, “Not exactly the words I would use but yeah…”  
Robert was standing behind him like an FBI agent dying to seduce the suspect and interrogate the shit out of him. Unfortunately, I was the suspect. Or the victim. Or just unfortunate to be alive again.

Some minutes later and we are alone. Looking at each other eyes… I wish I could be in his head.  
Maybe he is pissed and all that cause I just tried to kill myself. Well, I tried to kill myself, not him, not an innocent bloke who was in the wrong place the wrong time, like Kasim.  
I reposition myself in the bed trying to look all confident, healthy and pissed. Obviously I was failing the whole act cause he seems more pissed and confident and healthy than me. He is also looking at me so gently and… that’s it he wants me to punch him isn’t it?  
He thinks because some hours ago, he was tender, he was kissing me all over, he made love to me… fuck him. I’m out!

“I don’t want to know what you are thinking, do I?” he asks with a smile.

“Nah...” I said giving him that upside down smile that he hates.

He smiles again. “I don’t care anyway. You are here. And I-“ his voice starts shaking.

“You wouldn’t have enough money for the funeral?” I cut him off.

His eyes widen in shock for a few seconds. “Your sense of humor sometimes is-“

“Alarmingly cynical!” I cut him again.

He laughed. His eyes so empty. His face so sad. I hate that I am alive once again and I have to see what I tried to do did to him.

Seeing him like this, it hurts. “I learned from the best, haven’t I?”

He breathes a smile. “Why would you do something so… suicidal stupid?” he managed to say.

He knows that for me it was over. I did it and I thought there isn’t coming back but from his choice of words and his pleading eyes I can assume that he is trying to convince himself that it was an accident.  
_I’m sorry…_

* * *

 

Some hours later….

Fuck… I fell asleep again. Still in the hospital. Still with the bandages covering my arms and hands. Still with the headache. Still wanting to run away… Still with Robert somewhere in the hospital I guess. Maybe he is flirting some cute nurse right now.

I jumped out of bed with grace and ease, tearing almost the whole bed down.

“Idiot!” I scolded myself and tried to save some poor bottles, pillows, bed sheets, thin pipes from falling.

I felt like a trapped rabbit looking for a way out. I was wearing the old time favorite hospital costume. At least the pants are comfortable.  
I open the door a little, enough to check the corridors. No doctors. No Robert.

 _Hospital break vol2…here we go_  
Or not.

I felt a hand from behind grabbing my shoulders and slamming me against the wall, gently in a weird way.

I hissed in anger. “You!” I whispered trying to act surprised and failing.

“Me!” Robert answers back giving me the smile of irritation that was clearly in my face.

“Well… even though I am flattered and turned on… with you being still here, slamming me against walls and all that… I would like to visit the pee-pee area now.” I said while he cornered me behind the door with one hand in my chest and the other in the wall above my head.

He gave me a cute smile mixed with sarcasm. “Well, in that case… It would be rude of me not to escort you to the pee-pee area.”

“Always so thoughtful” I said opening the door, leading the way. “Who is the lucky… guy?”

He gave me a confused look for a second, “An ungrateful bastard!”

“Ungrateful? For God’s sake… why on earth… You seem like a lovable guy!” I said keep walking with Robert behind following my way.

“Robert is it?” I stopped and turned around.

He didn’t answer. I think he rolled his eyes a bit.

“You know for a patient… you seem very-“

“Irresistible and funny?” I butted in, giving him a half-ass smile.

He came closer, leaning his body towards mine and gave me a chivalrous smile.

The cocky asshole.

“Very talkative I would say” he stepped back a little. “And you seem like a broody, grumpy git. Dialogue is not your style.”

“You want us to exchange notes and first impressions?” I asked. “Well then… you seem like an arrogant, snob that harasses patients who try to mind their own business!”

I saw his face broking to a little laugh. That… right there. That little smile, laugh… these few moments of happiness, is… I’m sorry, was everything for me.

I was… well were eventually in the shitty, like literally shitty bathrooms and I have to come up with a plan.  
The hard part is that planning was never my strong point. I planned to be straight like every other boy. I planned to be accepted by my parents and I got a pedophile father and a mother that once hated me.  
I planned to kill myself and my best mate found me and somehow I was alive again.  
I planned to accept my sexuality and enjoy my first boyfriend who later was almost crashed by a truck and some months later he asked me to kill him. Oh then I started hurting myself cause it feels great being all ugly and ashamed. I planned to stop then… well didn’t work out for me did it?  
I planned to go to France. Not for vacation or something like that. Because I had cops on my ass.  
And then… the one time I didn’t plan to fall in love with Sugden.

He was walking around nervously out there doing my head in.  
I stand above the lovable crapper breathing heavily, trying to pull my thoughts together.  
“Calm the hell down!” I whispered despite the fact I want to scream.  
I flushed the toilet just to make him think that I actually used it and came out.  
He wasn’t anywhere near the door. He actually wasn’t there at all.  
I let out a wicked smile and forced my legs to run and…. Fuck…

He is standing outside in front of me with his arms folded under his armpits.

“Don’t you just feel sometimes that your annoying presence gets in people’s way?” I said trying to act cool, like I wasn’t just tried to run away.

He gave me an allusive smile, “The last time I did that was in a garage… trying to civilize a farmer boy… mechanic I reckon!”

“First time” I corrected him.

Robert rolled his eyes. “My bad, then. Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered him”

I rolled mine, “Well…did it work?”

“I was never sure to be honest”

I sighed, “If honesty is another hobby of yours, Sugden… find a new one. This one doesn’t suit you! Never did… to be honest”

“Dingle” He said. “It’s Dingle now”

I didn’t answer. My brain stopped for a bit, enough to make me look nervous and stupid.

Robert swallowed making his face softer now. “In all this mess and I forgot I got a husband.”

I caught his eyes. I wanted him to look at me saying it, “When? Oh… that time you mean when you fucked her in ou… in the Mill… while your husband was in prison. And you just-“

"Well that one.” He stopped me clenching his teeth. “Which it didn’t actually happen for all it’s worth”

“It’s never too late. The girl seems eager Robert. Don’t let her wait”

“Even now… even here you manage to be a pain in the ass, Sugden!”

“It was.” Sugden... now is just Aaron Dingle, I corrected him. “And it’s a fucking piece of paper. Not even a legal one.”

“Do i look like I care about bureaucracy?” he said with a smug.

“You never look like you care… pretty much about anything.”

Robert rolled his eyes, “Anyway… legality was never our thing!”

“Marriage either!” I said back.

* * *

 

I hissed, “That’s the third time!” I screamed at him.

He raised his eyes to meet mine with a frown.

“---That I’m alive because of you.” I carried on. “It’s getting really boring… annoying, you know?”

His face dropped.

We both know what’s going on here we just don’t talk about it, pretending it never happened. Especially Robert. Three days ago I almost died in his arms from bleeding. I made that choice but he doesn’t want to think or talk about it.

He looks at me now trying to pull of his sarcastic smile but failing, “Aaron Dingle… can’t just say –thank you- or anything like that like a normal human being.”

I laughed at that, “Normal? Don’t tell Chas that… she will-“

“Don’t tell her what exactly Aaron? What?” He tries to relax his shoulders. “That her son tried to take his own life yet again? That he almost died in my fucking arms and…” He shallows, “The reason was probably me?”

“Don’t flatter yourself!” I said in a attempt to lighten the mood.  
He was ready to grab my face, his eyes so desperate and wet… he immediately closed his eyes to choke back the tears. Robert and tears never got along.  
He then without a warning, stormed out of the room.

\-----------------

He came back some minutes later.  
I didn’t even have the time to react or take a breath, he grabbed my face, took me in his hands and started kissing me like this is the last time he sees me.  
“Robert” I tried to whisper into his open mounth gasping into mine, but he shuted me up crashing his tongue into me, biting my wet flesh.  
“Don’t” he breathed against my mouth. “I want you. Just don’t…. ever again”

* * *

 

Some hours later… still in the hospital… still not able to escape.

I sighed, “It is getting boring but here we go. This is your… like… last chance. Just take it.”

He stretched his body in the small chair at the other side of the room, “Take what?” he asked sleepily.  
_God, I love seeing that face first thing in the morning. In my arms._

“The chance to run a mile”

He rubbed his face with his big clumsy hands and I leaned my head back watching him for a minute, smiling… I’m gonna miss you so fucking much…  
He then flinched and realized what I just said, “I would… but you see… running, exercise, sports, hard work… never my thing!”

 _I love you…_ “You are so fucking stupid sometimes” I said instead.

“I will call the doctor. Maybe you had a concussion.”

I frowned.

He laughed, “You almost gave me a compliment”

I rolled my eyes biting back my urge to run over there and bury myself in his arms. “You are so fucking stupid” I corrected myself.

“Well I can’t argue there. But if I am that fucking stupid what are you then? You agreed to marry me and all that…”

“Maybe I had a concussion. Pills, hospitals, accidents, you… we don’t mix well!”

* * *

 

That night we went back to the village. We were both exhausted. We were both pretending that nothing happened. It is easier obviously.

I checked my phone. I checked my suitcase. My passport. Money. Some photos. Everything was set.

I broke into Vic’s house. It was dark. I could hear their breaths.

I went straight to his bed.

I leaned over him, careful not to wake him up.

I sat there a few minutes, looking at his relaxed body breathing, making these soft noises like a wounded animal.

I traced his face with my fingers. “Well then… that was it i guess” I whispered.

“Robert Jacob Sugden” I said and smiled biting my lips so hard… I won’t give in. I won’t break. Not this time.

“I just…” Fuck… I pressed a gentle kiss in his temple. “Just take care of yourself, alright?”

“Just… stop being an impulsive idiot if you can. And I know you can cause.... I-I... won't be around anymore reminding you that killing and kidnapping people is bad... tring to hurt people is also bad in case you were wondering...” I cracked a smile as all these moments replayed in my mind. "Idiot!"

I let out a breath. _God, it hurts!_   “Have a nice life Robert. Find somebody that… will see all this amazing world inside you… yeah? And put up with your shit and stupid puns....Somebody that will make you laugh… make you a better man. Because you are, you know you are. I hope you find what you are looking for… is out there… trust me.”

A tear fell down in his cheek… I wiped it out with the end of my sleeves. “And don’t you ever forget that… fuck”

I looked up to fight back the tears. “That I loved you so damn much… that hurts most of the time, you know? Well fuck you for that part.... Oh and remember that you made Aaron Dingle laugh... it's not an easy task given i am dead grumpy. Your words not mine”

I leaned again and kissed him one last time. "Well then... see you in another life!" I laughed. "You would roll your eyes right now if you could hear me"

* * *

 

-Airport-  
I was standing alone between all these people. Some of them leaving, like me, some of them arriving.  
I looked back one last time… that was my life.

  
My phone lights up inside the pocket of my hoodie.

 _Ed: Well Livesy… where the hell are you?_  
_Me: It’s Dingle now… I’m on my way._

* * *

 

                                                                                                                      -Five years later-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Two lovers and two strangers vol1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next one coming soon. I hope you enjoy. let me know. your comments is a nice touch and very helpful.

**_Run…. Escape…. Get lost…. Never look back…._ **

Time goes by…. People move on… People forget…. Words lose their meaning…

They become stories meant to entertain. To make you laugh and put a bittersweet smile on your face. Reminisce. Tear you to shreds. Regret… for the things you didn’t get the chance to say because you were too scared. The chances you didn’t take and now it’s too late…

Emotions fade away… like they never existed.

 

**\----Somewhere in France----**

“Get that shit away from me!” Aaron warned him, jumping around from couch to couch.

“Or what?” the guy laughed trying to corner him. “Fucking wuss!”

“I swear to God, Ed…”

“Oh come on Aaron… come on boy!”

“You are more annoying than Liv… and that’s not a compliment mate!”

Ed stepped forward faking a cute smile, “Ohhh… that’s the sweetest thing you ever said to me!”

Aaron rolled his eyes, “Just-“

“Yeah?” Ed raised his eyebrows.

“Get out of my way. Some people have to work you know.” He checked the clock on his left wrist, “Fuck! The meeting!”

“My man is a businessman. How respectable!” Ed smirked.

“Your man will be unemployed if you don’t grow up.”

Ed looked at him for a few seconds and raised his hands, “Ok, you win. Truce!”

Aaron shook his head incredulously and climbed down the couch.

“Or not” Ed continued, spaying him with glitter.

Aaron hissed in anger looking down at his shirt, “No way!” he almost screamed. “I look like a fucking fairy in a gay strip club!”

Ed’s body started shaking from laughter. “I always had a thing for fairies!”

Aaron raised his head giving him an angry look. “I hate you!”

“That’s not what you were saying last night!”

Aaron rolled his eyes taking a long breath, “I’m not a violent bloke” he shook off his shirt. “I will walk away cause I’m civilized.”

Ed let out a breathy chuckle, “Says the guy that the other day was slamming the poor pizza on the walls… Yeah, civilized not the word I would use.”

“That was a moment of weakness.” Aaron said biting his lip trying not to laugh in the memory. “And it was burning… I didn’t have a choice.”

“Whatever you say Hulk!”

“For the last time… it’s-“

“Don’t say it!” Ed butted in pointing a finger at his face.

“Deadpool!” Aaron yelled before he slammed the door behind him.

**\---Somewhere in _UK_ \---**

His charm was his “honest” warm but sinful smile of a con man. His friendly-full of promises hand-shake. His raspy, deep and soothing voice. His allusive, enigmatic gaze, wicked but pure. Naughty but innocent. Unreadable but chivalrous. His charm was his biggest weapon in the war against the parody that people call lifestyle, business, socialization. Their reality. His charm was also his curse.

_UK newspapers… “Playing dirty- playing nice- playing a dangerous game… Robert Sugden always finds his way in the middle of the storm”_

_“Robert Sugden the ruthless predator in the world of business”_

_“Robert Sugden the man behind white-collar crimes strikes again”_

_Radio broadcast: “Using dubious methods to win the cold war between the political parties… Robert Sugden thrives once again…”_

_“It’s a debate Michael… I mean business is a field for resilient players. Sentiment and altruism are great tools, qualities but not in the hands of a businessman. Robert Sugden can play nasty, but if you ask me this is the key to his success. He is not some modern hippie… or some romantic activist… He plays, he wins, he moves on. It’s a strategic and it’s efficient”_

_“So the means justifies the ends is it, Daniel? We have started romanticizing amorality and cruelty in the name of power, control, money and prestige…”_

_“Michael, you know business is not made for sensitive souls. Business is calculation. Business is strategic. People are the pawns. The entrepreneurs are the chess players. It’s always about the big picture. It’s cruel… but it’s the reality. The reality was never a playground!”_

_“Cheers! Money and sex. People have become slaves of their primal instincts.”_

_“Hate him or love him then”_

_“Personally Daniel… I feel sorry for him. Mr Sugden if you ever hear this… just think... there is beauty in this world beyond money… there is beauty in people out there... using people for sex and power… world domination…it’s an illusion. There is beauty in genuine relationships ,ladies and gentleman. Go out there and fall in love… be kind… help the people around you… laugh for God’s sake! Greed and hate is the cancer of our society!”_

Robert Jacob Sugden. The ruthless businessman and the charming “hunter”, always finding his way in the middle of political and sex scandals. His latest venture in politics went downhill the moment the sex scandal revealed. He was having an affair with the son of a candidate from the opposing political party, using him to gain access to their files, tactics, data…. Espionage. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer- kind of thing. Until the guy fell in love with him and Robert ditched him, creating a vendetta that subsided only when Robert withdrew from the political stage.

* * *

 

Fake it until you make it, they say.

Fake a smile… Fake your identity… Fake your past… Fake your emotions….

The one thing that nobody can tell you is how to fake your memories. No matter how far you run away… No matter how masterful of a deceiver you are…

They are always there, waiting in the dark. Shadows haunting your way. Toxic tainting your veins. A chronic disease paralyzing you and you won’t see it coming. Rotten. Malicious.

At first you will be struggling. But you will keep bullshitting yourself, pretending it’s over. You don’t care. You never did, right?

You will know the moment you open your eyes that he is miles away, somewhere in this world, living a life without you, laughing without you.

Somebody else is making him smile now. Somebody else is watching the same crappy movies with him in the couch that you once buried yourself in his arms, elbowing him to make him shut up.

Maybe he fell in love. Now, He whispers a name that isn’t yours when he is about to cum. He is wrapping his arms around somebody else’s body. He cracks all these lame jokes for somebody else to laugh. Maybe unless someone mentions your name, he won’t think about you. Maybe you are just a story now.

You know that he is probably dreaming a life without you in it. You are just a name. _Aaron._

You will walk down the streets and you will think that you just heard a voice… his voice.

That the man behind the glass in the bar, the guy across the road… is him. Only to realize once again that the man is a stranger. That your mind playing cruel games with you. Every. Single. Day.

But you know he isn’t there and he will never be. He is out there somewhere living the life you were supposed to live. You will open your eyes expecting to see him there… his face. His eyes.

You will answer your phone hoping it’s him somehow. You will hope, even if you don’t know that yet, to hear his voice you know you won’t hear… but doesn’t matter. Maybe someday somehow he will find the way back to you. But he won’t… and before you close your eyes in the night you know it….

He has moved on and there is no coming back. You will have fun with your mates until that song plays… the song you were arguing about. Or the other one, you were listening while you were making love. Or the other one… he was singing to you so bad that you threaten to punch him if he wouldn’t shut up.

_Words like violence, break the silence, come crashing into my little twisted world, painful to me, piercing right through me… words are very unnecessary they can only do harm. Vows are spoken to be broken, feelings are intense, words are trivial, forgettable and meaningless…_

The buildings around me intimidating surround me like fortresses piercing the sky. The rain crashing my face… purifying. I can hear this sound forever. Strangers running around me, trying to protect themselves from the storm. The city seems loud and quiet at the same time. The rain keeps hitting my skin… I am a stranger now. A stranger among strangers… I wonder how many of them feel like parasites…like I do. Standing in the middle of the empty road waiting for the storm to strike the city.

_So maybe tomorrow….. I’ll find my way home!_

**\---Somewhere in France---**

“You never told me…”

Aaron shook his head although he knew where this was going.

“Who you are running from” Ed continued.

Aaron raised his eyebrows faking the I-have-no-idea-what-are-you-talking-about face.

“And this time I know it’s not the police.”

“Well then… that should be satisfying’’ Aaron said dryly.

“You looked happier when you were a fugitive.”

Aaron forced a laugh.

“That’s a start” Ed said before throwing a pillow from across the room hitting Aaron’s face.

“Not a good one though!” Aaron responded throwing the pillow back and pointing the middle finger.

“Be careful. You’re starting to sound like a romantic!” Aaron froze for a few seconds. These words rang a bell…

* * *

 

**\---Now---**

“It’s been a while”

“Nah… just five years!” Aaron said pursing his lips.

“You still aren’t funny though”

“You still struggling with adulthood as far as I can see” Aaron said with a deadpan.

“I missed you"

Aaron shook his head smirking “Soppy git”

“Shut up and come to daddy!”

“Hell no you pervert!” Aaron said shaking his head in disgust.

“Shut up and come here.” Adam said before pulling him close into a hug.

* * *

 

Adam was sweeping the barn. One hand in the wooden pole and the other wiping the sweat from his forehead. “You see mate… what I have to put up with….everyday” he said pointing at the chip.

“That’s a shitty situation bro!”

Adam rolled his eyes, dropped the rake and hugged him again. “Five fucking years mate. I can’t believe this.” He looked Aaron up and down raising his eyebrows. “Mate… France looks good on you”

Aaron patted his back winking at him, “Keep going… don’t let me stop you”

“No, I’m serious. You have being working out or something?”

“You can say that” Aaron said with a smirk.

Adam frowned. “Right… being busy messing around in France while we-“ he stopped to throw a rock, “…. Anyway… what’s up with you? You leave and-“

“I told you” Aaron butted in.

“Bullshit Aaron” Adam says turning around to face him. “The only thing you said was I am alright, I have to go, I will keep in touch. Very enlightening”

“Well I’m here now, one piece. I called ya a couple of times-“

“So kind of you! What a touching story!” Adam cut him off.

“I kept my promise… at least”

 

They sat in silence for some minutes trying to get their heads around the reunion. The farm, the barns, the air… still the same.

They cracked some beers as they sat on the fence across the field. It was quiet. Different from the chaotic life back in France. Aaron wrapped his arms around himself as he felt a knot swelling in his stomach.

“How is my mum?” Aaron broke the silence.

“Apart from missing you, you mean?” Adam asks giving him a serious look.

“You know what I mean.”

“If you were here you would have known”

Aaron gave him a tired smile.

“She is alright I guess… considering.”

“Yeah…” Aaron shook his head. “She lost another best mate.”

“She wasn’t the only one…you know.” Adam said. There was something bittersweet in his voice.

“Well… I’m here now.” Aaron said shaking him by the shoulders.

“Cheers for that mate… it took you only five year to remember that you had a life here”

“I wasn’t planning to come back…” Aaron swallowed thinking about everything that went down.

“Wow!” Adam’s eyes widen in surprise. “Say what again?”

“As you said… France looks good on me”

Adam didn’t respond. He sighed shaking his head and hugged him again. “You were supposed to be here… to tell her embarrassing stories about me…. To tell her how stupid her father was… still is… to be your best mate after all these years” Adam stops to take a breath. Adam pats Aaron’s head the moment he saw his sad smile. “We would do the whole co-parenting thing you know… me, you, Vic… Ro-“ He stops as he sees Aaron’s eyes turning away.

“You can’t hide here forever” Adam says sitting back at the hay.

Aaron ignored him as he sniffed dramatically. “I love that smell!”

“Well then… tonight we are going at the pub. Your mum is going to freak mate”

“Exactly!” Aaron said rubbing his hands together.

“Besides… I want you to meet my little girl… and her dog” he says putting his fist in his mouth faking a cough. “Aaron” he adds under his breath.

Aaron frowned, “Aaron?”

Adam sighed pushing himself back up into a sitting position, “Well… I have talked about you… like a lot… so yeah”

“It sounds ominous!”

“You should be flattered bro!” Adam says drinking from his beer can. “You are a part of the family”

Aaron gave him the middle finger. “Oi… the dog is even grumpier than you” Adam said half-smiling.

Aaron dropped his head back and laughed. _God, it’s good to be back…_ In a matter of minutes his grin turned into a knot in his throat as a name invade his thoughts again…. _Robert…_

* * *

 

“Where are you going?” Adam yelled as he saw Aaron ready to disappear through the night.

“I thought we were going at the pub.”

Aaron stopped and turned around clearing his throat. “We are staying in a hotel in Hotten”

Adam frowned, “We?”

“Me and Ed”

Adam opened his mouth raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah… it’s been a while”

Adam sighed, “You reckon?”

After a few seconds of silence Adam coughed as a warning sigh for his next sentence… “Wha… what about Ro-“

“You fancy a pint with Ed later?” Aaron cut him off, stretching his arms behind his head. “Bring Vic too… double date and all that”

Adam shook his head, “Next time you want to change the subject mate… well, be a little more subtle”

Aaron didn’t answer, he just started walking away.

“See ya in the pub!” Adam shouted.

* * *

 

Aaron stood and stared from the top of the cliff.

The whole village was unfolding in front of his eyes making him feel small… like an intruder lurking in the dark.

He dropped on his knees folding his hands behind his head. He raised his eyes meeting the sky… the moon reflected on his blank stare. _It’s beautiful…._

* * *

 

It was almost midnight.

I could hear familiar voices, more like loud whispers… I could see familiar shadows.

My mum. She is still the same. With her cheerful squeaky voice serving pints and carrying plates dropping them around the tables.

It looks like they are having some kind of outdoor festival. They were drinking, eating, cheering, singing… _God why you have to curse them with such repulsive voices?_ I thought before I laughed.

They look happy, carefree. Trying to move on… after Diane’s death.

I can’t bring myself to step forward. I left, they carried on with their lives…and I carried on with mine. Everything is running smoothly. Many things have changed. I am afraid that I have missed so much which has turned me into a stranger.

I took the first step….

“Oh, Marlon don’t be shy… smile for the camera!” Carly said squeezing his chin.

“Closer!” my mum yelled waving with her hand like a traffic cop.

Everybody was trying to squeeze themselves behind and at the top of others.

“Chas let Cain take the photo!” Paddy said. “His face smells like death! It wouldn’t make a difference”

That line brought some chuckles.

Cain stood up stretching his hand to take the camera.

“Sit down, old man!” I said leaping out of the bushes and every face on the table turned around looking my way. “Let me take the damn photo.”

Almost twenty people sat in silence looking at me like they were under attack. “I come in peace guys!” I continued, clenching my fists.

My mum dropped the camera in the ground and ran towards me, wrapping her arms around me. “Aaron!” she screams in disbelief.

She couldn’t stop patting my face. “Aaron!” She whispers.

She hugged me again almost straggling me under her arms. “Mum…mum!” I gasped trying to let go of her grip. “If you want me alive better not suffocate me eh?”

She looked at me and slapped me. “I’ll flipping kill you”

“Don’t bother. I’ve tried it a couple of times myself but-“

She slapped me again.

Cain approached, “The prodigal son!” he said and hit the back of my head. “Welcome back!”

“You are so grounded!” my mum says pointing her finger in my face.

I laughed and pulled her close into another hug. “I missed you too!”

Everybody was still staring. Some of them raised their glasses with a smile and the welcome-back line.

I nodded.

Paddy was waiting for his turn. “You idiotic muppet!” he said and squeezed me in his arms. “YOU-“ he stopped and patted my face. “I missed ya!”

I smiled shaking my head “You will never learn”

_I was home…_

**\---The next day---**

Aaron and Ed were heading in the convention which takes place in a hotel a few miles away from Emmerdale. Every villager and farmer will be there, alongside the big names of the political field, business competitors, investors and traders, the elite full of rich adventurers and opportunists ready to gossip and kill their free time by being a part of social altruistic events that they don’t give a shit about. But charity events always have something to offer apart from free alcohol, food, and the chance to show off.

Aaron’s face was almost disfigured by the constant yawning.

Ed was looking at him smiling as he was twisting his curly hair between his fingers, “We are almost there, you zombie!”

Aaron gave him a sleepy look barely opening his eyes.

“Keeping you up all night is was a bad idea then”

Aaron rolled his eyes.

Ed leaned a bit pressing a kiss to his fluffy hair. “Sorry!” he muttered.

* * *

 

Aaron took his phone out of the pocket because it wouldn’t stop vibrating.

_6 missed calls._

“Great!” Aaron hissed stretching his neck and arms as they went up the stairs of the hotel.

“What?” Ed asked putting his arm around Aaron’s shoulders.

“My mum and Adam; they’ll think I’m avoiding them.”

Ed shook his head laughing.

“What?” Aaron shrugged.

“You reckon, Sherlock? You went MIA…. Hmmm five years if you want to talk numbers. Give them a break! They missed ya… and I know you missed them too…” Ed replied pinching Aaron’s cheek.

“I hate that!” Aaron groans jerking his head.

“I know!” Ed nods. “That’s the idea”

They open the central door and flocks of people began flowing out of every corner. Most of them, wearing their salaries, wondered around holding a glass of wine or champagne like some extras featuring in the Titanic.

Aaron’s eyes were searching for familiar faces as he was walking through them trying not to crash into anybody with his elbows.

“I prefer the barn” Aaron frowned.

“Social events too civilized for you eh?”

Aaron raised his fist over his face covering his mouth and nose. “I’m gonna puke!”

“It’s called perfume” Ed pointed out. “You should try it some time!”

“You know I could live without your smartarse commentary”

Ed raised his eyebrow, “It would be boring”

They made their way into the buffet. Ed was ready to grab a glass of wine when Aaron patted his arm. “Oi… sorry to disappoint but I brought some beers…so-“

“Every fucking day Aaron! Let’s just try the lovable free wine over here and see what happens eh!”

“Suit yourself then” Aaron shrugged.

At the end of the venue there were microphones and the seats of the guest speakers lined up alongside a big screen and a bench with handmade stuff for the auction. The crowd is starting to settle as some suited gentleman came on stage.

Ed found them two seats at the end of the line near the window because he knows damn well that Aaron can be claustrophobic when he is surrounded by a crowd of people. “I haven’t seen any of them” He told Aaron who seemed a little edgy twisting his hands together.

Aaron jerked his head, “What?”

Ed shook his head breathing a smile, “I said you look fit in that thing”

Aaron winked at him, “I look better taking it off”

Ed bitted his own lips, “You have no shame Mister!”

Aaron looked around searching one more time for his mum or Adam without any luck and then he nodded telling him he is heading for the bathrooms.

The room went silent as the central speaker took the microphone in her hands.

_“Thank you all for honoring us with your presence---“_

Aaron could hear her voice as he was wearily approaching the door.

_“Ladies and gentleman I’m excited to present you the mastermind behind the venture… one of the biggest names in the business… A true gentleman, a sharp mind, a friend and a great business partner… Please welcome to the stage-“ she pauses, “Robert Sugden”_

The crowd starts cheering….

_Robert..._

Aaron stopped… he starts unbuttoning his shirt gasping for air as his heart starts racing… heartbeat after heartbeat….

He could feel it taking over his body… too loud.

He shakes his head running his fingers through his hair ready to move his feet but he can’t. He stops again clenching his fists along with his jaw.

_You can’t be a deceiver forever…_

He tries again to put the one foot in front of the other but his legs betray him. His knees start shaking…. He raised his head facing the glass roof… He gazed the dark clouds moving slow across the sky foreshadowing the upcoming storm… the eerie sound of the thunders hitting the clouds…

He opens his mouth to let the oxygen in…

The room went silent again… The woman passes him the microphone and returns to her assigned seat.

Robert raises his left hand giving them a subtle chivalrous salute.

He brings the microphone over his mouth letting a charming smile slip. _“I promise she didn’t get paid to give you this introduction… She just can’t help herself. I don’t blame her!”_ Robert says standing in the middle of the stage.

The crowd looked at her, others laughing others whispering.

The woman shook her head. _“Missed me?”_ Robert asks faking a cute smile.

Aaron could hear some chuckling, some cheering.

 _“I’ll take that as a yes,”_ He continues moving around the stage. _“Well, we have joint forces today to support a great cause, to upgrade our community… and to gain access to the generous buffet over here”_

The crowd laughed.

 _“We have raised awareness, m-“_ Robert’s eyes froze.

The microphone slips from his grip and hits the ground.

“Mr Sugden everything alright?” A security guy approaches.

Robert can feel his vision blurring. He squeezes his eyes shut and opens them again.

“Aaron” he whispers. The muscles all over his face start twitching.

“Hey” The guy puts gently his hand on Robert’s shoulder as the crowd staring confused. “Are you alright? You want some water?”

Robert shakes his head clearing his throat. “No… I’m good. Thank you” he says as the guy gives him back the microphone.

Aaron spotted Ed among the crowd and started walking in the line between the seats, keeping his head down… “Fuck…sorry!” he almost whispered as he stumbles upon a handbag.

The crowd remains silent waiting for Robert to carry on with his speech.

Robert’s gaze following Aaron as he reaches his seat.

“Robert?” the woman asked in a low tone getting up from her seat.

“I said I’m fine” Robert punctuated every word by strecthing his suit regaining his aggressive confidence. 


	5. two lovers and two strangers vol2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heavy dialogue. characters involved. dont you worry random readers robron scenes featuring soon. I want a built up. And i want to torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anybody reads these chapters and have the time or the will... please let me know your thoughts. I read your comments and i want to know what you think in order to keep the chapters rolling.  
> And if the narrative isnt clear sometimes well untill now its always third person or Aaron's POV

**\---Convention-Hotel---**

“If I knew that faces like this,” Ed said and paused pointing at Robert, “-were in charge of the infamous conventions I wouldn’t find them so boring all these years!”

Aaron felt the saliva travelling painfully from his mouth-throat to his stomach.

“He is the walking stereotype” Ed continued. “Rich. Charming. Beautiful. Arrogant. And if I have to guess… with a long history of sex and financial scandals. The epitome of a proper womanizer!”

Robert’s voice seemed so far away. Just sounds. Aaron couldn’t focus.

“I know he is not your type-“ Ed said after a minute of silence, “but even you-”

“He is alright” Aaron cut him off biting the inside of his cheek to keep his face under control.

“Now I know you are lying!” Ed teased him, smirking against his ear.

“Well… when this parody is finally over you should try your luck” Aaron teased back.

“Nah… he is straight probably. And a dick!”

Aaron bitted his lips harder choking back the urge to laugh, “Probably!”

Ed was gazing at Aaron’s face for a few seconds, “Too bad I’m in love with another dick”

Aaron breathed out a smile as he kept staring away.

A provoking repetitive cough came from the microphone. “You seem like a very talkative guy. Would you like to take over here?”

Ed looked up. “Yeah, you” Robert nodded.

Ed shot Aaron a nervous look, “As tempting as it may sound, I will pass”

Aaron could feel people trying to bite back their chuckles.

He is betting they are farmers.

Robert stretched his head clenching his jaw and carried on with his speech.

Aaron was hiding his laugh behind the lunatic hair of the lady in the front seat. Ed gave him a friendly punch in his right arm. “Is it me or the guy has this… friendly aura?”

Aaron raised his eyebrows, “Still wanna hit on him?”

Ed frowned for a second faking a consideration, “Well… just the hitting part”

Aaron could feel the seat too small… the air too much and not enough. Everything started to seem too loud. He ,now, brought himself for the first time in 40 minutes to look up and see Robert. He was wearing a dark purple suit, tight around his arms. There was something different about him. The Robert he left behind five years ago is now gone. He could sense it. The way he was carrying himself, the tone of his voice, the body language… It seems so different but familiar somehow. A lot have changed. And Aaron wasn’t sure if he wanted to find out…

Ed laughed under his breath, hearing all these rich people pretending to give a shit about the struggles, the poverty and the hunger around them. “I bet they look so sad inside their castles when they hear from the telly about the poor” he tried to whisper but the faces looking at their direction indicated otherwise.

…Too loud… Aaron felt the heat. The kind of heat that he hates. Suddenly, he stood up and started walking away, desperately looking for the exit door. “Aaron” Ed shouted a whisper as he ran after him.

**\---That night---**

Aaron’s eyes searching the quiet city.

Everything looked so small and peaceful from up there. His face buried between his own hands, too heavy to stay focused and still.

“Hey you!” Ed’s voice came low and sleepy from behind. Two cold hands slipped around his bare skin. Ed nestled his face in Aaron’s shoulder. “If I didn’t know you any better, I would assume you are in love… looking all stoic and broody in the middle of the night”

Aaron let out a mocking breath.

“Can you blame me?” Ed whispered digging his teeth into Aaron’s skin behind his neck, the bones in his back around his spine… then back in his earlobe. “Are you?” Ed asked, running his fingers through Aaron’s hair.

“What?”

“In love…”

Aaron laughed turning his head around, “Are you?” he asked back.

Ed frowned, “What?”

“High…” Aaron said and punched him gently in the head.

**The next day….**

Vic’s reaction was a copy paste of Chas’s. Her jaw dropped the moment she saw him. She ran towards him and slapped him, then hugged him, and then slapped him one more. Between tears and questions that didn’t make sense. Or they did but Aaron wasn’t willing to answer.

Adam and Vic went to the farm leaving Aaron with their daughter Holly all morning. 

“My dad said you look bad but you are good” the kid said butchering the words in a cute and innocent kind of way.

Aaron smiled. He put his hands softly under her armpits and brought her over his laps. “Well kiddo… here’s the thing” He said in a warm soft tone. “Some people seem good but they are not. And other people that look bad they are actually good. You never know”

“But you know” the little girl muttered.

Aaron shook his head, “Nah… I never did”

“But daddy says you are smart”

Aaron raised his eyebrows in surprise, “Between me and you, your dad is right. You see… I’m the smart one”

The girl mimicked the silent-code hissing with one finger over her mouth. “It’s our secret”

Aaron smiled and rubbed her head, messing up her little ponytail.

* * *

 

_Adam: Hurry the fuck up mate. It’s important._

Aaron read the text and threw his phone across the bed before he headed for the pub.

“What’s up?” He asked almost out of breath entering the pub.

“You look like shit mate” Adam commented.

“You will look like shit if you don’t tell why you brought me here this early”

“Aaron, Aaron… always ready for a fight. Make love bro. Not war”

Aaron rolled his eyes so hard he felt a little dizzy for a couple of seconds. “Well?” he shot him a warning look.

“Surprise motherfucker!” He yelled and a girl appeared from the back door.

Aaron froze. “God… you are like… huge!” He managed to say taming his excitement.

“Cheers Aaron! You still suck at sweet-talking and talking in general, I see… Good to know!”

“That’s your way of saying «good to see you Aaron. My life without you is so boring. Please Aaron… I missed you Aaron… best brother ever»?” he mimicked Liv’s voice.

“Aaron? Oh… you mean that guy that took off for five years?”

Aaron swallowed, “Yeah that one”

“Rumors have it that he was my brother”

“Unfortunately for you, still is”

“Is he?”

Aaron sighed, “I don’t know. If you give him a hug he might answer you that question”

Liv faked an indifferent mocking smile, “I will pass”

Aaron’s face dropped realizing what he might have done to his sister the moment he left.

Liv couldn’t keep this up anymore. She crashed him with her arms, clumsy wrapping them around his body. “I hate to say this aloud but I missed ya… a bit”

Aaron finally let himself smile properly, “A bit huh?”

“Yeah”

“So if I take off again it won’t be a problem.”

“You are not funny you know” Liv said pushing him away.

“Neither are you”

“Now that we have exchanged compliments can we go for a pint?”

Aaron raised his eyebrows in shock, “Pint?”

“Five years Aaron! Just in case you forgot how to count as well. I’m 20 now”

“Right” he said under his breath. He wrapped an arm around her, “Still look like a snotty kid to me though”

She rolled her eyes elbowing him in the stomach.

“Rude” he hissed in pain.

Liv looked up at him, “I missed you, you know”

“Yeah I know”

* * *

 

Liv was staring at her brother, examining him trying to understand… trying so hard to swallow all these questions about Robert.

Aaron could feel her eyes piercing his thoughts, “Liv seriously stop that!”

“What?” She frowned.

“That thing you do with your eyes”

“Only blind people don’t do this thing with their eyes. And you know why? Because they can’t use them”

Aaron gave her a proud smile, “Did you take a Phd in talking back or something?”

“Nah… just learned from the best”

Aaron was ready to shoot another smug smile. “Don’t” she warned him.

* * *

 

I was standing outside of their window. The lights were on.

I was waiting for minutes… hours…

Then I saw a kid. A blond little boy jumping around, climbing in her body. She raised him up spinning him around doing the whole helicopter thing.

And then they disappeared.

She came back and sat back in the couch.

Two hands wrapped around her shoulders from behind.

_Robert-Rebecca-their son_

He pushed her long hair aside and started kissing her neck.

I squeezed my eyes shut… I looked down at my hands… in the finger where the ring supposed to be.

I raised the bottle over my mouth and let the whiskey burn my insides.

* * *

 

Aaron stood outside for some minutes for no reason. Just staring at the door, the night sky, the village behind him… The dim lights across the street.

The moment he stepped inside he smelled it all. Smells like memories would smell. Leather, smoke, beer, sweat. The scent was familiar.

The pub was dark and quiet. He always liked it at the night. He took a pint in his hands and jumped into one of the tables like some troubled chav. Not that he wasn’t one some years ago.

Aaron felt vibrations at the side of his thighs. _“Where the hell are you?”_

Aaron smirked, “You sound desperate. You missed me or something?”

_“Nope… just… curiosity”_

“I don’t like curious people”

 _“Can’t you make an exception Mister?”_ he said.

Aaron could feel Ed's smile behind the phone. _“Well where-“_

“I left” Aaron butted in.

_“Right”_

“I went back… in France”

_“Wait what? What the f-“_

“In the pub, idiot!”

 _“Not funny!”_ Ed hissed.

“Not caring!”

_“Good to know”_

“You can shut up now” Aaron suggested.

_“Too much dialogue in one phone call for ya, hah?”_

They shared a laugh until Aaron hang up without a warning.

Half an hour later… Ed barged in pretending he was committing a robbery, “Stay there and I won’t hurt you!”

Aaron raised his hands in the air, “Please don’t hurt me!”

“How could I?” Ed said between a serious and a soft tone. “Look at that face!”

Ed approached the tables. “You want to seduce me?”

Aaron shook his head, “Not really”

“Tough”

“Don’t pretend you don’t like it”

They stayed silent for a few minutes. “Well nice chat… now strip!” Aaron said nodding.

“Someone is eager” Ed smirked.

“Bend over there… Oh and be quiet this time”

Ed dropped his head back, laughing. “Yeah…that was-“

“Embarrassing”

“Hot I was going to say… but yeah embarrassing as well”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “Open up”

“No” Ed hissed stubbornly.

“Well then-“

“Kiss me” Ed cut him off.

Footsteps approaching behind the door…

“Shit…” Ed muttered trying to pull his jeans up with clumsy movements.

“S… sorry to interrupt..I….I didn’t know..you-“

“It’s ok. We were leaving” Aaron said to the man.

“God yes… that’s what we were about to do” Ed barged in catching his breath.

Aaron punched his arm. Ed hissed, “I don’t know if this is the best moment to introduce myself but… I’m-“

“I know who you are”

Ed’s eyes widen.

“I… I mean Aaron have talked about you” the guy continued.

Ed shot Aaron a playful smile. “Is that so?” he asked wearing his flirtatious voice.

Aaron was clenching his fists so tight he could feel them turning white from the pressure.

“Good to know” he added. “And you are-”

“Robert”

They exchanged handshakes.

Aaron was already at the door ready to storm off. He wanted to turn around… to just look at Robert for a second… to say something… but he didn’t.


	6. Two lovers and two strangers vol3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit me up with your comments if you read the chapters. I want to know your thoughts.

**They were back at the hotel.**

Aaron could hear the annoying breathing pattern coming from Ed the whole way back. It felt like his thoughts were too loud and Aaron knew what that meant… dialogue… questions… answers… The syndrome of communication. The only syndrome that he is immune to.

“Shoot!” Aaron sighed, dropping his jacket on the floor.

“That obvious eh?”

“With some breathing exercises and you will be bottling it up better than me”

Ed gave a weak laugh, “So… the charmer from the con knows my name… and yours!”

“And it took you only forty five minutes to work that out… your detective skills are really impressive!”

Ed gave him the shut-the-fuck-up look. He climbed into bed and leaned against his elbows. “You didn’t mention you know him”

Aaron folded his legs into his body to fit in the window bay. “You didn’t ask”

“Is that all there is?”

Aaron shrugged, “What’s up with the pointless interrogation, Ed?”

Ed stepped back raising his hands, “People call it communication”

“People are nosey bitches!” Aaron replied, his eyes fixed on the city lights.

* * *

 

**The next days were hazy…**

I remember talking to my mum, fighting with Adam over a stupid cow, avoiding Vic’s methodic questions which there’re always under her tongue ready to caught me off guard, teasing Liv about her crush on a violinist… But I don’t remember how I found my way into Robert’s doorsteps.

He grabbed my shirt and pinned me against the brick wall.

He was just staring at me. His heavy breath against my mouth.

I kept telling myself that I was dreaming…

“You just LEFT!” Robert whispered clenching his jaw. He stayed silent, his eyes running through me, trying to consume mine. Gritty and so fucking empty. “You just left!” he yelled this time raising his fist over my face. “You just left!”

I could feel the anger boiling inside him.

I squeezed my eyes shut, preparing myself for the upcoming hit… that never happened.

The moment I opened them again I saw him relaxing his fingers shaking them off.

“I called you” he managed to blurt out, his heart thumping in his chest so loud.

I nodded in agreement. _I know…_

“I’m not much of a prayer… but I prayed… Every. Single. Fucking. Night…. It was so damn stupid. I was begging God to keep you safe. To bring you back… to me… one day!” His words trail off into breathless whispers. “I was waiting YOU KNOW… for yo-” he paused looking away. “-for the fucking door to open and to…. You just walked away… like a coward!” He almost screamed clenching his teeth.

I was just standing there paralyzed, yanking my sleeves down my fists, creating a protective fabric shield.

“Why you came back, hah? People are better without you and you know it” he continued, and I could feel everything and nothing altogether.

“I know… that’s why I won’t be sticking around” I said and run away…

_Ed: 9 missed calls_

* * *

 

**\---In the Mill---**

“I never expected to say that aloud… but-” Rebecca swallowed, as she was hovering around the living room in a nervous pace.

“But?” Robert asked seeing it would take forever for her to articulate her thoughts.

“But I feel sorry for you” She blurt out.

Robert jerked his head, his eyes ready for an attack.

“I have been there” she added.

“Hate to admit, sweetheart but I really don’t follow you” he shook his head drinking from the glass of whiskey in his hands.

“It must be hard to keep pretending that you don’t care about him”

Robert let out a dismissive breath.

“Come on Roberto; Do us all a favor and drop the act.”

“Listen Bex! Your insecurities are none of my business. So just do us all a favor and shut the hell up!”

“Who are you kidding here Robert? Me or yourself? The moment he came back to the village… I knew it was over.”

Robert grunted in response. The muscles all over his face ready to explode. “Aaron, Aaron, Aaron!” he mocked, mimicking their voices. “He is just another name in my agenda. Nothing special”

Rebecca tried to bite back the impulse to laugh. “If you had said that some years ago… I’d have believed you… but now-”

“It’s true” Robert interjected. “I gave a shit about him once. It took me a while to realize he wasn’t that special. I mean… I treated him like dirt… I thought I was so in love…” he paused, shutting his eyes and then laughed. “Guess I was wrong”

“You can keep telling yourself that all you want…whatever helps you sleep at night… Oh I’m sorry” she faked a shocking-expression, “You don’t do sleep anymore!”

Robert swallowed his anger.

She sighed, “Call me crazy-”

“Sounds tempting” Robert shot a smug smile.

“Call me crazy… but the timing with your insomnia and alcoholism little problems is really interesting”

Robert raised his eyebrows, laying his feet on the coffee table. “I’m a busy man with good taste and a bar full of booze!”

Rebecca shook her head giving him a weak empathetic smile. “I never realized how much he hurt you… It’s all over your face not matter how hard you try to hide it”

Robert didn’t respond for a minute. “I cared once. Biggest mistake of my life. And then I didn’t. That simple.” He said finally before storming off the house, slamming the door behind him.

**That night Robert found him**

Aaron was at the gay bar in town, drinking pints with Ed and a couple of mates.

He felt a vibration inside his pocket. A message from an anonymous number…

Anon: _Give me five minutes of your precious time and then go back to your friends._

Aaron: ?

Anon: _Come on Aaron. You know it’s me. Five minutes._

Aaron put his jacket on ready to walk outside until he felt Ed’s hand on his wrist. “We are boring you or something?”

Aaron turned around, “I will be back in a minute”

Ed nodded and went back to their table.

It was cold outside. It was late. The streets almost empty. Aaron opened the door his hands were shaking… not sure it was the breeze or the knot in his stomach.

“After everything... you were right about one thing” Robert’s voice came from an alley behind him. “It was easier than I thought.”

Aaron stranded still in the middle of the road, not exactly sure where this was going.

“Come on… won’t you ask what it was?” Robert almost pled him.

Aaron raised his eyes to find his, scared to let himself really look at him, to hear the answer. So he didn’t ask.

“I thought that falling in love with you… letting you go it would be hard.” Robert continued. “But it wasn’t. You were right... once again. It took me longer to… forget you than it would normally take me… but I did.” His face unreadable.

He approached Aaron… the space between them getting smaller. “Falling in love is a mug’s game. An illusion”

Aaron’s heart twisting under his chest. “I’m glad you know… that’s what I told you to do… that night… before I left…” Aaron’s voice gentle and low.

Robert’s eyes widen.

“I told you to find what you are looking for. And obviously you did.” He added trying with every fiber of his body to remain distant… from everything. From Robert’s eyes in front of him. From his fucking instincts. From his body which was burning and twitching.

How is it possible for these eyes to be so pure? These eyes that have once been cruel, lied, manipulated, killed, hurt…

Every night these eyes were the last thing I was seeing before I closed mine. And the first thing I gazed under the bed sheets in the morning. I could get lost in them for hours… drunk in their mysteries… Intoxication. Storm. Monsoon. Volcano. Flames. Ashes. It feels like a psychedelic trip.

* * *

 

_I’m flirting with disaster… I like it           I’m playing with fire… I can’t wait to get burned_

 


	7. Denial is my poison

_It’s like you’re a drug… A demon I can’t face down. It’s like I’m stuck… It’s like I’m running from you all the time…_

_And I know I let you have all the power… It’s like all the company I seek is misery all around._

_It’s like you’re a leech sucking the life from me… It’s like I can’t breathe without you inside of me. And I know I let you have all the power. And I realize I’m never gonna quit you over time._

_It’s like I can’t breathe I_

_t’s like I can’t see anything_

_Nothing but you I’m addicted to you_

_It’s like I can’t think_

_Without you interrupting me_

_In my thoughts_

_In my dreams_

_You’ve taken over me_

_It’s like I’m not me…_

 

**\---Later that night, somewhere at the foot of the mountains---**

Ed was chasing Aaron over the hills… the alcohol flowing through their veins, ignited a war against their bodies. They run for miles not knowing the path and the destination. They just run towards freedom.

Aaron was screaming and laughing all at the same time, creating an incomprehensible metal-melody capable to cause permanent damage to humanity.

Ed was catching up from behind, jumping around like a stoned dear running for his life. “Shut---t the-- hell down!” He yelled.

“Up” He corrected himself a second later. “I don’t care---Just shut it- you lunatic!”

Aaron made a clumsy maneuver and turned around screaming even louder, “It feels good to be free!”

“Let’s keep it that way---cause if you carry on like this the SWAT guys will nick us for being public enemy!”

“Pussy!” Aaron called back.

“I reckon-you have mixed up the term ‘logic’ with the female genitals” Ed said trying to catch his breath.

“We are in the middle of nowhere, Eddie--- nobody cares!” Aaron’s gaze searching the sky. His eyes fixed on the moon.

“You are crazy!” Ed stated in a serious tone before bursting out laughing. “You are fucking crazy” he repeated lowering his voice as he approached Aaron.

It was like the cold breeze couldn’t touch them anymore. His hands slipped around Aaron’s waist, moving clumsy inside his hoodie, rubbing the bare skin.

Aaron spat fiercely before easing up as his vision came back to focus for a few fleeting moments and then again… blurred, lost in the hazy picture of the trees around them.

Ed perched over Aaron’s shoulder, resting against the heat of his body. “I love you” he whispered.

Aaron didn’t respond.

“I love y-“

“I heard you the first time” Aaron interjected.

“Well then--- I’m glad you don’t suffer from any hearing loss” Ed sighed nervously.

Aaron raised his head letting it drop back and shot a cynical laugh, “Don’t take it personally-“

Ed nodded reluctantly, “I can’t make any promises!”

“But I don’t care---I-I don’t trust words---labels---people!”

Ed turned him around so he can look at his face. “I always knew you are a cynical bastard but-“

“Come on Ed!” Aaron butted in shaking him by the shoulders. “The world around us is a shithole--- _Words_?” He paused raising his eyebrows. “Words are meaningless sounds. _Feelings_? Another joke for the new kids in the yard” He started pacing across the street with a weird energy that Ed couldn’t define.

Ed stayed silent, following him with his gaze as Aaron prepared himself for a chaotic midnight speech that neither knew where it was leading.

“People just talk--- to kill the time--- and feel things---today---fucking drama queens! And tomorrow---boom---gone! A bunch of cruel liars!” Aaron stopped in front of Ed searching for his eyes between the pixels that he was seeing instead of a body. “I don’t even trust myself---how pathetic is that?”

He felt like the alcohol possessed his brain and took control, forcing him to spill out words not even knowing if they make sense…

_Everybody gets high… Everybody gets low… Everybody gets bruised… Everybody gets sold… Everybody gets dark… Everybody gets so low…_

 

**\---The next morning in the Woolpack---**

As they headed in the pub, Ed was humming some lyrics dancing and walking like he was a part of a tacky video clip. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death---- I took a look at my life and realize there’s nothin left-“

“I’m gonna kill myself” Aaron cut him off with an exaggerated sigh.

“That’s my sweet revenge for yesterday night, bae!” Ed punctuated the last word.

Aaron shut his eyes trying to block out the embarrassing moments that started to replay in his head.

“Ohhhh----He remembers!” Ed teased, giving him a friendly push.

“Ohhhh----Shut up!” Aaron teased back.

 

 

They made their way into the pub. The space hectic, full of hasty familiar faces talking, pacing, serving and eating when nobody was looking… Well technically Ed and Aaron did.

“Love!” Chas yelled from behind the bar trying to balanced the plates in her hands.

Ed squeezed Aaron’s arm pointing at his mum. “Earth to Aaron”

Aaron jerked his head breaking out of his daydream.

“Your mum” he said against his ear.

“Fuck--- I thought we were under attack or something” Aaron replied walking over the bar to help her with the plates.

 

It took them a while to actually settle down after they bantered of course about who is gonna cut what and why Marlon sat across Paddy and spat on his food--- and why there is no sauce in Tracy’s salad… Aaron was about to scream.

“I ordered a steak” Dan said to Marlon raising his plate.

“Steaks are not quite ready yet” Marlon forced a friendly smile.

“I can see that”

“If you want it so bad- you can visit the farm and butcher one yourself” Marlon pursed his lips before turning his back to the table. “Spoiled brats!” he muttered. “ _All of you!_ ”

Chas let out a squeaky laugh, “We love you Marlon!”

“There is a special place in Hell for people like you” Marlon said and disappeared in the kitchen.

 

Marlon made an awkward face hitting his hands rhythmically on the table, “So—Aaron—what’s up,” he asked out of the blue.

Everybody looked up meeting Aaron’s face for a few seconds.

“So—Marlon—still finding it difficult to communicate with other human beings?” Aaron mocked as he chewed his food.

Chas shot Marlon a sympathetic look. “Don’t bother Marlon- my boy is a man of few words”

“Always a pleasure having constructive dialogues with you, Aaron! We missed your voice” Marlon said raising his glass.

Ed almost choked in his pint. “My bae is the king of words” he added raising his, “Cheers for that!”

“Well close” Aaron said clearing his throat. “I’m the teacher of words”

Nobody understood the meaning of that, so they ignored it and carried on with the chewing.

“Just a teacher--- in a university” Aaron added reluctantly after a minute of silence.

“You what,” Paddy asked in a squeaky-funny tone, as he was fighting with his food.

“And just a modelinghd” Ed coughed chewing the last word.

“You what,” Chas asked this time beating Paddy’s high pitched voice.

Everybody was looking again at their direction and Aaron looked down at his plate playing with his food.

“Yep. That’s right guys. Aaron is a model as well” Ed hurried to clarify.

Their eyes widen with a mix of shock and admiration.

“A what,” Paddy asked sharing a look of surprise with Chas.

“Are you on drugs son?” Chas placed a concerning hand on Aaron’s shoulders.

“I will be if you keep staring” Aaron warned them.

Most of the villagers exchanged looks and tried to ignore the revelation.

“Right. Of course” Chas said under her breath. “My son is modeling. It makes sense. Of course it does” She shook her head in disbelief fighting the urge to laugh or patting his face.

Aaron gave Ed the look of the killer. “I wanna punch you right now,” he whispered. “For scientific purposes only”

Ed pretended that he didn’t hear him. “Yeah---I love you too, you know. Don’t you ever forget that” He said balancing a serious and a sarcastic tone.

Aaron still staring at him with this scary cold look on his face.

“Murder is a sin---just in case you were thinking of---you know—a way to make it look like an accident. Still a murder Aaron!” Ed said casually playing with Aaron’s jacket to lighten up the mood.

“Sin is my middle name” Aaron hissed.

“That’s an interesting piece of information” Ed nodded. “Thank you for sharing it with the class” he added try to act confident and not scared for his life.

Aaron shot him a venomous half-smile “My pleasure” he said and squeezed with force the back of Ed’s neck.

“It was an innocent mistake” Ed pled looking up at him.

“Just like your death will be” Aaron smirked.

“God help us!” Ed gasped in pain.

“You, you mean” Aaron corrected him squeezing harder now.

Ed leaned over the table searching for Chas’s gaze. “Help me!” he mouthed the moment he caught her eyes.

Chas laughed when she saw him struggling under Aaron’s grip. “Love- you signed your own death warrant!”

“Cheers!” Ed managed to say before freeing himself.

And then the whispers stopped… The door opened.

Aaron swallowed down the sudden lump in his throat. His fingers clenched against the tablecloth.

Chas's eyes turned towards her son as an impulse, examining Aaron’s reaction. She shook her head in concern. “My boy” she whispered letting out a weak smile.

Ed stood up stretching his hand for a handshake, “Robert is it?”

Robert gave a subtle smirk, “Depends on who’s asking”

Ed frowned for a couple of seconds. “Eh-“

Robert patted Ed’s arm, “Don’t strain yourself” he said giving him a disdainful smile. “In the flesh”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your thoughts are welcomed. I split the 7th chapter so this one hasnt the action. The second part is coming some hours from now. Yep... that was my pointless note.


	8. Denial is my poison vol 2

**\---Pub---**

Aaron felt the tension in the room rising. Everybody was trying hard not to look at him the moment Robert and Rebecca entered the pub. His body dared him to start throwing punches. His mind ,thank God, brought him back in reality. And reality seemed intimidating at the moment.

Maybe he wanted to punch himself for feeling like this. For not being able to control his body reactions once again. _Too many people… staring… awkward silence… I swear the god if anybody turns around to see my reaction I will just land my fists in their fucking faces._

“Sorry to interrupt the dysfunctional-family-meal” Rebecca started saying as she made her way to the chairs at the end of the tables, making it seem like a long walk across the gates of hell. “Good to see you too, guys. Cheers for the welcoming faces!” she continued with a sarcastic frown, as she saw their expressions.

“Stroke-- or some kind of silent treatment?” Robert commented as the awkward silence didn’t seem to go away.

“You know us!” Paddy said eventually as nobody was willing to answer. “We are blessed with poor communication skills”

Robert nodded in agreement with a hint of disdain.

Aaron’s eyes was fixed on the table searching for something to settle in. He could feel the questions arousing inside Ed’s head.

After a few moments of silent eating and drinking, Marlon walked into the back and came back with a sound system that connected with the telly above the main door. “Aaandd---- it’s karaoke time- peasants!” he called out with unnecessary amusement in his voice.

“Show some mercy” Paddy said squeezing his palms together like a prayer.

“What are you waiting for—boring old chaps?” he provoked them. “Let the local talents surprise us for another year, eh!”

Carly threw a piece of bread hitting his stomach, “You are the bringer of evil!” she yelled.

“I’m the bringer of peace and love!” Marlon shout back. “Aaron” he called out. “It’s time for public humiliation. Come on stage, immigrant!”

People started cheering and whistling, “Yeahhh”

“Aaron- come on!”

“Show them love”

Ed wrapped an arm around him squeezing his head, “Roast them!”

Aaron looked up trying to avoid any eye-contact with Robert across the room. Fortunately, after a decent number of pints and the hangover from yesterday night, his head was loose… free from tension… free from thoughts. Eventually free.

“I’m gonna make ya pay!” Aaron said with a wicked smile mixed with his casual broody aggressiveness.

“We got money, love!” Chas laughed, seeing her son playful and relaxed.

“Good to know mother!”

Ed raised his glass over his head, “Cheers to my shy boy over here!”

“Cheers!” the others responded doing the same.

Aaron shook his head, “You are just looking for a reason to get wasted”

Moira laughed, “Cheers to that too!”

“Cheers!”

And then Adam’s loud entrance interrupted them…

“Thank fucking god!” Aaron sighed in relief.

Adam ignored them and went straight to Aaron the moment he realized that they were planning to torture him. “Leave my mate alone you sadists!” Adam warned them before crashing him inside his arms.

Aaron hugged him back, meeting, above his shoulders, Robert’s gaze for a fleeting second- enough to make him skip a heartbeat.

Ed stared at them.

Adam smiled at him, “Ed”

“Adam”

Aaron rolled his eyes, “Aaron-by the way”

Adam turned back at him and gave him another hug.

Aaron breathed a smile, “Every time he sees me- it’s overwhelming—can’t handle the emotions the poor lad”

Adam responded with a mischevious eye-roll, “France made him more of an arrogant dick, innit?”

Ed nodded in agreement. “He is a dick. I like dick. Match made in heaven”

Adam frowned feigning a vomit-face, “The dick-jokes never get old with you!”

Aaron and Ed shared a look and then a laugh. “Nope” Ed said. “It’s a classic”

 

Bob passed a plate of salad to Rebecca, “How it went,” he asked.

“What,” Kerry butted in.

“The deal” Bob elaborated looking at Rebecca.

Rebecca shot a warning look at Robert who seemed distracted for some minutes now, “The deal—yeah--- great! Thanks to The Godfather over here” she scoffed.

“What did he do again?”

“Oh- the usual--- Treating possible clients like dirt. Making fun of their career choices to create a friendly environment---is that right Robert?” She shook him. “Oi! Earth to Robert!”

Robert raised his head confused, “Yeah-right”

 

Belle clapped her hands to draw Rebecca’s attention, “The football team-still on?”

Rebecca shot her a smile, “Don’t know sweetie” She elbowed Robert, “Roberto is the man with the information”

Robert tried to focus on Belle as Aaron was standing behind her laughing, Ed’s arm wrapped around him, Adam making some kind of impressions. “Still on” Robert nodded.

Rebecca’s hand slipped around him tracing his jaw-line. Robert shook his head, pulling away. She clenched her teeth, “What was that Rob? Not into the whole public-affection-display- deal when your Aaron is around?” She stretched her head to whisper over his ear.

Robert flinched. “Nah. Just reflexes. I don’t like hands invading my face”

Rebecca smirked, slipping her hand down between his thighs under the table. “What about this part of your body?” She whispered as she dug her fingers into his jeans.

“Entering dangerous ground- are we?” Robert hissed in a low seductive voice until his eyes betrayed him and met Aaron’s… “Fuck” he said under his breath before storming out of the pub- leaving Rebecca with a wince of confusion---realization---anger---and then bitterness.

* * *

 

 

“Oi; Get a fucking room- you two” Adam said staring at the ‘destructive duo’ as he named them the other day. “Behave yourselves”

Ed dropped his head back letting out a breathless laugh as he grabbed again Aaron’s head and pushed him down like a MMA fighter. “Give up already” He shouted over his ear. “You can’t win here”

Adam whistled like a coach, “In case you haven't noticed- there’re people around looking at you muppets right now”

“Let that be a lesson to them” Ed said trying to keep his balance and not trip over Aaron.

“For what?” Adam frowned.

“For taming testosterone” Ed replied giving him a cute-smug smile.

“Kill me now” Adam feigned a pled with an exaggerated sigh.

“Gladly” Aaron managed to blurt out as he pulled away from Ed. The veins popping out from his neck up to his face. He ran his fingers through his messy hair when he saw Robert heading back inside.

Robert stopped for a second --his eyes catching Aaron’s gaze. The voices around them just started to sound like whispers… He immediately shook his head to compose himself and turned back to his seat.

Adam looked at Robert at the background and followed his gaze to see Aaron. Both of them distracting themselves, trying desperately to settle their eyes on anything but each other.

Adam shook his head to himself, “Playing the strangers, are we Aaron?”

“What’s that,” Ed asked.

Adam snorted, “Nothing mate” he replied until the moment Ed turned his back “I hope” he whispered.

* * *

 

**\---That night at the Mill---**

 

Rebecca nestled against the big warm blankets in front of their fireplace. Her face lighten up, warm and glowing from the heat of the flames. “His boy-toy- Robert---he is a beautiful piece of culture”  she said, her voice calm and soothing as the rain was hitting against the windows. “Everybody sees him as the Messiah--- the archangel Michael who saved little messed up Aaron--twice”

Robert looked away, gazed the darkness and the fleeting light emerging and disappearing as the thunders stroke and subsided again and again… He swallowed down this bitter taste in his mouth, trying to ignore whatever it was inside of him that making breathing-sleeping-eating-thinking harder- day by day.

“I guess that makes me the Armageddon” he said quietly.

“Sounds sexy” Rebecca feigned a smirk- trying to act indifferent at the idea that Aaron’s name was haunting Robert’s head- again. Maybe it was always there. It never left. Hidden behind every smile, every sex-partner, every touch… waiting patiently to slip his lips.

 

“I’m not him” Rebecca said with an almost broken voice as Robert took her face between his hands and kissed her, devouring hungrily her lips.

Robert stopped- swallowed- he knew- she knew- they knew.

“You never kiss me. You just fuck me” she carried on.

“Well---let’s just play a game- shall we? You are him--- and you missed me- so fucking bad” his words trailed off into quiet moans. “As bad as I missed you—you missed this” Robert bitted her ears, his hands traveling her body messy and greedy. “You missed us--- you have to” His hands now stripping her as his mouth savored her skin.

Rebecca forced a laugh trying to hide the silent tears lurking at the back of her eyes. “No” she hissed.

“You’re always good at pretending Bex” Robert whispered against her ear.

“It feels nice to be appreciated for my acting skills”

“Shut up now. Aaron is allergic to words.” He said shutting his eyes for a couple of seconds. “Sorry— _was_ —maybe he has changed now. How I supposed to know _huh_?” he almost screamed the last word. His voice bitter- like a child that his father hasn’t gotten him the right present.

“Robert” she whispered. “I’m not Aaron”

Robert was rubbing his face, his body and demeanor, his winces- psychotic- like a confused-scared villain in a movie trying to dismiss his own emotions that burning his insides. He burst out laughing hysterically, making noises with his tongue over his teeth.

“Aaron” he laughed derisively. “Five. Fucking. Years--- I was looking for his perfect substitute—And I failed!” he pointing his fingers over her face, tracing her bottom lip. “I’m Robert Sugden for fuck’s sake. I don’t do fail” he said, the words measured and punctuated.

“Humble as always” Rebecca remarked. “I’m shocked”

“Now turn over”

“I’m too tired to have a go” She admitted.

“Good” he shot a wicked smile. “Cause I’m too tired fucking people that aren’t him”

 

* * *

 

_Cold bones... yeah that's my love... he hides away like a ghost_

_Does he know that we bleed the same...?_

_Cold sheets, but where's my love?_

_I'm searching high, i'm searching low in the night..._

_Did he ran away_

_Did he ran away, i don't know_

_If he ran away i don't need to know. If he ran away ,come back home_

_Just come home..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy. Let me know your thoughts or whatever. Constructive feedback keeps me going. The fic supposed to be 2 chapters only. and then i saw a couple of comments and i was like "why not?" my first fic. weird and exciting. Anyways another pointless note.


	9. Robert vol1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya. If there are people that actually follows the chapters -sorry guys for the delay- but uni, social life, boredom and the fact that english isnt my first language- got in the way. Anyways the chapter is a sneak peak in Robert's life. Now we will delve in Robert's pov. The next chapter involves Aaron and its coming in two days. I appreciate and read your feedback so if you read the chapter let me know. Your thoughts. Enjoy. Oh there is a lame attempt of poetry here and there and in the begining. Deep shit.

_I want to forget_

_I want to be hypnotized. Sedated._

_I want to live it all_

_To make it until the end_

_I want to die_

_To avoid the grant finale_

_I want to be pure_

_But I crave your sinful smile_

_I want to be good_

_But I’m drawn to your destructive nature_

_I want to end you_

_And I want to get lost with you in time_

_I want to run away_

_But my knees force me to stay_

_I hate you_

_But I want to savor every inch of you_

_I hate myself_

_And I hate our chapter that never seems to end_

_I hate the fact that I can’t hate ya._

_The good thing with stories is that you get to decide which chapter is going to be the last…_

_I’m just messing with your head_

_You are a dot at the background of your own story unfolding in front of your eyes… you are in a constant state of sleep paralysis. The orchestra playing your soundtrack. Don’t close your ears to the alluring siren. Let yourself be enchanted. Give up. Submit to the voices that wandering at the darkest alleys of your head. They are begging. They are mocking. Turn on the lights to turn off the parasites._

_Back to reality…_

Their voices sound the same. No diversity. No unpredictability. No intensity. No passion. Males and females talking. Cacophony at its finest. Sounds belching from their mouths. Words forming sentences. The room is a mix of white light and gloomy aura. Impersonal and imposing.

The subject is about honesty or honesty itself. Truth. We should tell the truth. Truth can save. Truth can liberate you. Everybody “demands” honesty and crave truth. The nobility that comes with it. The heroes in the stories, our heroes, are honest.

Robert can sense the laughs in his lead getting louder, “Truth is better for whom exactly? You fucking morons!” His voice steady and steely. “It’s called self-preservation. Google it” He added seconds later, letting the audience in front of him sink in his words. “Maybe it’s better for your boring asses--- To shock you--- feed your nosey ego- to entertain you”

“Self-righteous, spineless, scared bastards! You don’t have the stomach for some brutal honesty, do you?” Robert’s voice dyed in hatred, if you listen closely. “Run and hide behind your romanticized relationships- and your pathetic little lies- to cover the fact that you are just a bunch of rotten, petty bourgeois, inept, dull human beings” His own thoughts starts to amusing him and he can’t help but let his lips quirk up a bit. Enough to let them see how indifferent they are to him. How he hates their pretentious, empty platitudes. “I bet every single one of you,” he carries on, gesturing at their faces. One by one. “Will stab you in the back the first and only chance you’ll get. Because who are we kidding? Temptations in your lives are like rain in the desert. Bare truth, darlings-- is not your cup of tea. Never was. Never will be”

Robert doesn’t aim for a constructive dialogue or a heated debate. He doesn’t want to elicit a response. Not a verbal one at least. The thing he loves- is reaction. Or the lack of it. Their puzzled, conventional faces searching for words- their minds contriving an attack plan- an escape from their ugly truth.

You can deceive the crowd. You can deceive yourself. For a little while until you realize the ugly truth carved in your guts. “Yourself” manipulates you into thinking that you succeeded. You are a deceiver.

But- You can’t con a con man.

Oliver leans back against the leather couch as his hand sunk inside his pants, under his boxer. He could hear Robert’s snobbish, impudent, cynical speeches for hours. It was his hobby- loving the hate in Robert’s face in every social event, meeting, greeting and intimate encounter.

He sinks back in the corner of the couch across the room, examining every feature of Robert’s face. The brief changes as a new emotion takes over accompanying his words. It’s fascinating how measured but natural his demeanor seems. He just sits there within the people- studying Robert once again. Creating a new profile because the one thing he knows about Robert Sugden is that it’s impossible to really know him. A chameleon in a human form, resembling a riddle. Hard to decipher. Because when you will let yourself believe that you have, he will be glad to prove you wrong. It’s a mockery game.

The subject now is sexuality. Homosexuality. Gay pride.

Robert finds himself again at the verge of laughter.

Oliver’s eyes trying to capture his, to remind him the rule of sensitive-areas which obviously never applies to Robert.

“It’s a circus. And you’re the animals” Robert interjects taking a sip from his glass of wine. “Not a gay pride. There is nothing worthy of anyone’s pride in there. It’s a tacky performance”

The faces in front of him getting ready to fight back. Searching for weapons.

“You really think your cynicism make you special, don’t you Robert?” A gay lad asks.

“Special?” Robert mimics his voice. “Nah. Successful is the word you are looking for”

“You are just an empty shell of a man. You think you are invincible-“

“Nobody is invincible, sugar” Robert cuts him off. “It takes one bullet and I will be a nasty memory under the ground”

“Good to know” The guy says trying to act more confident than he actually is.

“Information is knowledge. Knowledge is power” Robert states before excusing himself theatrically and then disappearing in the bathrooms at the end of a long hallway.

 

“Nobody cares who you fuck. Fuck whoever you like.” Robert said at one point, shutting his eyes for a second reconsidering his statement. “Well- apart from animals. Children. And corpses” He almost feels proud for this disclaimer.

 

The bathroom is dark with dim yellow lights above the mirror.

He feels godforsaken as he is standing over the sink, his hands gripping its cold surface. There is an eerie serene. It’s like he is hiding in a fortress inside a fortress over the city. The window slightly open, enough to allow the sounds of the outside world penetrate his bubble. Reminding him that there is life out there-a quiet jungle at this time of the night. _Cars- whispers- wind- animalistic whispers- ejaculations- rustle of leaves. Life._

Footsteps approaching and seconds later the door opens.

A man standing there, almost pensive, fisting the door handle.

Robert raises his gaze catching for a fleeting second his own reflection. A stranger possessing his body.

“Mister-I-don’t-recall-your-name, you might have skipped the courses on basic social skills and rules of behavior” Robert’s voice flat and aloof.

The man in the suit breathes a tight smile before stepping in- closing the door behind them.

“Oliver” he introduces himself and leans back against the door. His eyes exploring Robert’s figure- appreciating every single detail that alter alongside the environment and the lighting. Robert’s sharp jaw line. His innocent, wet lips. His messy blond mane like a corn-field after a storm. The lines of his muscles scratching under the tight crimson fabric. And then Oliver’s eyes meet Robert’s gaze. The acerbity of these green eyes blending with the red fluid veins emerging from behind of his eyeballs.

He is a demon impersonating a human.

Oliver takes a deep breath, “You have to stop messing with my head like that in public”

“Which one?” Robert lifts his chin and an eyebrow stepping towards the door. “Up here?” He drops his voice touching Oliver’s temple with the tip of his finger. “Or down there?” He adds cupping Oliver’s cock.

Oliver bites the inside of his cheek in a desperate attempt to compose himself. “Both”

Robert steps back. “It’s not my fault that you’re susceptible to my charm”

“Your arrogance is always a nice touch” Oliver replies with a sarcastic smile before finding himself slammed against the door as Robert’s hands enslaving him.

 

“Let’s give them a show. Something to haunt their dreams” Robert roars stripping Oliver.

The bathroom was distant enough to give them some privacy but not that distant to protect the guests from their moans and skin pounding.

It was perfect.

It was shameless, dirty and provocative. Just like them.

* * *

 

“The game of questions is always a risk with you” Oliver mutters repositioning himself in the slippery floor of the bathroom. “Thank god, I born a risk taker”

Robert blows out a thin layer of smoke and stares, waiting for it to reach the window and escape. The cloud of smoke will escape. But he won’t. “Spare me the intro. You know how much they're boring me”

The man beside him inhales the smoke, “Aaron” He says. “Interesting name”

Robert shuts his eyes ignoring the sudden knot squeezing his stomach. He isn’t sure if it’s the courtesy of the alcohol or a genuine lack of information but he finds himself wincing in oblivion. He opens his mouth to retort- something elusive-something astute, but the only thing that his brain produces is an image. _His image._ He shuts his eyes harder this time, like he is trying to monitor its activity. Most of the time he is the one in control. But not this time. Not when it comes down to this name. It’s a forbidden zone. _The forbidden zone._

Oliver lets a breathy, mocking laugh looking over Robert, waiting for a comment, a response that never came. “And here I was- thinking- you were showing me your affectionate side”

Robert feels the confusion taking over as the seconds tick away.

“That’s the 6th time you've traced his name in my skin” The man elaborates.

Robert can feel the air of confusion suffocating him.

“At first I let you--- your fingers over my back were---“ He stops and closes his eyes for a few seconds reminiscing, “Well--Orgasmic” He shallows down his hunger, his urge to grab Robert and kiss him- Because he is familiar with this game- he played it before with Robert- and every time he loses. But he can’t help but move closer. He needs the physical contact that Robert never seems willing to offer.  “At first I thought you liked touching me. Until I figured out the pattern. Letters. Every time the same letters” He carries on trying to ignore the hint of jealousy burning his throat. “Aaron. Aaron. Aaron.”

Robert has this sudden urge to shove the cigarette in his mouth between his teeth and tear it apart. To burn his own lips. To burn his brain and save himself from this torture. The voices in his head repeating their twisted lullaby over and over again.

The melody of an old music box, creaking in the dark.

Trapped in a time loop. _Aaron-Aaron-Aaron._

_“Shut up” He wants to scream. “Please let me go” he wants to beg._

* * *

 

_My haunted lungs   Ghost in the sheets_

_I know if I’m haunting you_

_You must be haunting me_


End file.
